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How I Meet My Husband

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash
If my life story is genre, it probably a comedy.
The funny thing was in the beginning of 2018
I made resolution to focus on myself and
stop searching husband or involved in taaruf.

After countless marriage meeting/blind date,
I decided to give up.
The guy I have met either feel intimidated
because I am smart or I met the smart one
but want a wife who become housewife.
I wonder is there any man out there who smart,
hold conservative religious value
while also feminist?
The one who agree that his wife can work?

I said to my self: Let's give up on marriage.
I mean what the worst thing happened
if I am not married/forever single?
Well, my life probably the same.
Me, work, friends and my books.
Is it bad life?
No, it is not bad, it is enough and great life.
I have everything that I need.
Why I eager to have husband?

Then that question hit me, at that moment,
I realize I've been getting message that
only the married one that can go to heaven
and marriage kinda solve all problems.
But is it true? I asked to myself
No, I don't think so.
I don't recall the requirement to go to heaven
is marriage status.
Yeay! I am happy that I still have a chance
to go to heaven despite being single.
Then I prayed to Allah,
I asked Him to make me happy
and accept my single life
and help me to go to heaven.

Five days after I made that decision,
I got an email from a guy named Mufid.
We are Facebook friend and
alumni from same university
He said he like my personal blog
and want to get to know me more.
I replied asking what does he mean as getting to know more.
Does he want to know me as a friend
or as a future husband.
(I need to make sure his intention
so I can manage my expectation
and not become victim of false hope, okay?)

He replied he want to know me as future husband.
I smiled.

The funny thing is in 2016,
I was thinking to ask Mufid for marriage meeting.
I enjoy his meme posts and predict that
we have same kind sense of humor.

The letter I sent to him would be like

"Assalamualaikum Mufid, my name is Hana.
I enjoyed your Facebook meme post
and think that we have same kind sense of humor.
Do you interest to go to taaruf with me?"

But then I think again, is it good decision to choose a guy
as husband candidate based on his sense of humor?
Hmm.. I afraid not, so I tossed the idea.

So I can't believe my eyes when I got his email two years later in 2018, 
but his reasons is better than mine.

So we exchange CV (Curriculum Vitae)
and promised to meet next weekend.

When we met, we use 36 questions
plus some other to get know each other.
I knew these question from New York Times article
while Mufid have read the journal.
I was shook. I did not know there is the journal and
someone who is not from psychology background read it.
(FYI, Mufid is not from psychology faculty)

We took turns asking and answering the questions.
These questions help make us get to know faster.
You guys can see the questions here or here.
I must state there is no key answers nor
tips how to match your answer with your potential spouse/partner.
They are open questions.

Most of the time,I enjoyed talk to him
until the perfect day question came up.
I describe my perfect day as having waffle
or pancake as breakfast and
he commented that my behavior as "hedon" /extravagant.
After talking further, I realize we have different opinion
regarding how to spend money.
He is saver and I am spender.

After finishing asking and answering all questions,
I told him that I enjoyed talking to him but if we get married,
there is high probability that we will get divorce
because our view about money.
He said I should not said that and
he believe our difference is something can be work out
if we have good communication skills

When I got home, I search articles that proves that
money is one of big factor for divorce
and send him those links.
He replied "Is there any couple who managed
successfully happily married
despite their money spending habit difference?"

His question is eye opening because
I have been reading lot articles
about factor that lead to divorce, 

tips how happily married
but I suddenly realize I never come across that kind article
or search that kind article.

So I started looking article about money difference
and I found many.
At that time, it come to me that
there are lot saver and spender marriage.
Their stories is eye opening and give me hope.
Their stories made me know what expectation to put,
imagine what kind conflict that will happen and how to resolve it.

When I told this story to my friends,
most of them commented that
"Is not spender and saver marriage is perfect combination?
You complete each other?"
Well I did not think that way.
I have seen how my parent marriage fell apart
because money issues
and I do not want it happen to me too.
So since I am spender, I kinda think it it is better to find another spender.

But after reading article about money and relationship,
I realize if I marrying another spender,
it does not mean my marriage will not have any money problems.
There will be a problem but different kind one.

After that, we talked again to find out how to make our relationship work.
We came up with an agreement,
ex: One of our agreement is we can spend money without telling each other
if the amount is below IDR 250k but if the amount is greater than IDR 250K,
we have to ask permission.

Looking back, I though our problem did not have solution.
I am glad I was wrong this time around.

What I love being relationship with Mufid is he is optimistic
and his optimistic is contagious
and I love that we both try hard to understand each other and came up with solution. 

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

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