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I wonder...

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Siapa yang bakal ngasih hana bunga/hadiah/boneka saat wisuda? Berapa orang?
Siapa yang akan mau datang dan minta berfoto bersama Hana?
Siapa yang bakal ngisi komentar di wall of fame yang biasanya dipajang di lorong menuju Kantin lama?


Kak Rimba, me and Kak Vina

Me, Kak Reza, Kak Ardhy, dan Kak Fajar


Pertanyaan –pertanyaan itu muncul saat gue dateng ke wisuda semester ganjil di tahun 2013 lalu (tanggal 9 Februari 2013). Ini pertama kalinya gue dateng ke wisudaan sebagai pengunjung (junior) yang mau ngucapin selamat ke senior-senior yang wisuda. Sebelumnya gue ngga pernah karena gue ngga kenal deket juga sama yang wisuda dan hal tersebut membuat gue tersadar akan satu fakta bahwa gue ngga deket sama junior gue di Psikologi .

 Hm… I wonder… 


pertanyaan lainnya:
Gue dateng dan melihat ada yang bawa keluarga besar.. kira2 keluarga besar gue bakalan dateng ngga ya kalau pas Hana wisuda?
Bisakah hana lulus 3,5 tahun?
Bisakah hana jadi wisudawan terbaik?
Apakah para wisudawan itu shalat zuhur dan asharnya dijama?
Nanti pas wisuda, Hana ke salon apa ngga?
pakai kebaya kah? kalau iya, pakai warna apa?


Kata Ganti Orang Pertama

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Menanggapi postingan Aku masih Hana ..
beberapa waktu lalu, gue chatting whatsapp denga Nova
Nova Fpsi 10: Susah ya han pake kata ganti orang pertama?
Nova Fpsi 10: Btw, setelah gua pikir2 kayaknya itu bisa karena pengaruh budaya juga deh
Nova Fpsi 10: Soalnya temen2 gua yang orang Sunda (asli) itu juga ada yang kalo ngomong pake nama. 
Orang Jawa juga ada yang kayak gitu
Nova Fpsi 10: Kalau bukan budaya mungkin bisa juga karena didikan atau kebiasaan dari kecil
Nova Fpsi 10: Soalnya, kalo orang Batak mana kenal pake nama sendiri sebagai ganti kata ganti
Nova Fpsi 10: Biasanya orang tua kalo nanya anaknya: udah makan kau, Nak? Misalnya kayak gitu
Nova Fpsi 10: Jadi jawabnya juga: aku belum makan atau aku udah makan, gitu
Nova Fpsi 10: Kalau orang Sunda kan lain. Biasanya kalau orang Sunda: Ai aa (atau teteh) tos tuang can?
Nova Fpsi 10: Terus ya jawabnya jadi: aa mah (atau teteh mah) belum makan
Nova Fpsi 10: Kalo gua sih mikirnya gitu
Nova Fpsi 10: Nah kalau misalnya dibilang orang yang manggil nama sendiri itu insecure dan blablabla.. 
berarti orang Sunda atau orang Jawa tuh pada kayak gitu dong?
Nova Fpsi 10: *memang ini silogisme yang salah, tapi kira2 begitulah
Nova Fpsi 10: Jadi kalau gua sih mikirnya jangan terlalu dipercaya apa yang ada di buku atau jurnal. 
Mungkin apa yang dibilang di sana itu bener, tapi kan ada banyak latar belakang lain yang membentuk karakter seseorang
Nova Fpsi 10: Bukan berarti orang yang manggil nama sendiri itu insecure atau apapun itu
Nova Fpsi 10: 걱정마세요.
Nova Fpsi 10: Kalau manggil nama sendiri justru jadi hal yang bikin lo diinget sama orang, kenapa nggak dijaga aja? 
Selama impresinya nggak buruk kan harusnya sih nggak masalah..
jejehana:  makasih nova
jejehana: Bph grup salam juga ngmg klo hana hrs inget teori psiko itu ngga mutlak kebenaran dan terkadang ngga universal 
jejehana: ( ◦˘ з(◦'ںˉ◦)~♡
jejehana: (っ˘▽˘(˘⌣˘と)
jejehana: Gue bakal manggil gue hana lagi
 Nova Fpsi 10: Iya sama-sama 

Yap, jadi gue bakal balik lagi menyebut kata ganti orang pertama sesuai mood gue.. 
mungkin gue bakal manggil diri gue hana.. mungkin gu bakal nyebut diri gue , jeje :D
apapun itu Hana masih Hana :D

Hei Cantik, Yuk Berjilbab! :D

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Tulisan Ini Dibuat dalam Rangka Mendukung Gerakan Ayo Menutup Aurat

Jangan memandang saya tinggi karena khimar yang saya pakai. Saya masih belajar. Karena menutupi aurat itu kewajiban, bukan pilihan. ☺
- @reginaeggi




"Kerudung itu cuma buat perempuan yang udah nikah, yang pulang naik haji dan ibu-ibu (punya anak). "

"Kerudung dipake cuma waktu-waktu tertentu kayak shalat, sekolah agama dan lebaran. "


Dulu waktu usia gue dibawah 12 tahun, itu bayangan gue tentang kerudung karena itu yang gue liat sehari-hari. I mean Indonesia yang penduduknya sebagian besar muslim dan gue ngeliat ngga semua perempuannya pake kerudung, jadi waktu kecil gue kira kerudung itu sunnah, ngga wajib.

Pas usia 12 tahun mulai tahu kalau pakai kerudung ternyata wajib. Istilah yang lebih tepat berhijab ya? Sempet memutuskan berhijab pas masuk SMP tapi ternyata di SMP, cewek rambut lurus panjang kayak gue dibilang cantik. Gue pun takut kalau gue pakai kerudung nanti ngga dibilang cantik lagi. Setelah selama enam tahun di SD, gue nganggep diri  gue ngga cantik dan pas di SMP ternyata gue dipuji cantik karena rambut gue, maka gue pun belum rela pakai kerudung. Alasan lain yang membuat gue ngga mau pake kerudung itu… eh, Pernah baca 25 alasan enggan berhijab ga? Well, hampir semua alasan itu bener lho kalau buat kasus gue, kecuali no 5, 15, 16, 22 dan 23. Hahahaha.. dan itu belum masuk semua alasan gue enggan berhijab. Alasan lain gue belum mau pakai kerudung adalah karena gue belum ngerasa pengetahuan dan praktik agama Islam gue udah baik, soalnya gue liat temen-temen gue yang udah pake kerudung sering  jadi tempat bertanya masalah agama dan gue ngga yakin gue sanggup melakukan itu kalau gue pakai kerudung atau  gue juga ngga jadi bisa jadi contoh yang baik kalau gue berkerudung nanti. Terus juga waktu gue kecil, gue ngeliat kerudung monoton, ngga fashionable. Hehe

Waktu kelas 3 SMP, gue kaget ngeliat salah satu senior gue, Kak Levana pakai kerudung di SMA dan dia makin cantik pakai kerudung. Ternyata pakai kerudung bisa tetep cantik ya? :D Gue pun mulai tertarik pakai kerudung tapi ternyata di SMAN 1 Karawang ngga boleh pakai kerudung bergo (ceplos/langsung pakai), harus pakai kerudung segi empat. Hal itu sempat membuat gue mengurungkan niat gue pakai kerudung karena pakai kerudung segi empat itu susah buat gue (gue belum bisa) tapi karena dukungan umi, memey dan temen-temen gue di kelas X, gue pun pakai kerudung pas masuk SMA (walaupun kerudung gue berujung berantakan pada jam akhir-akhir pelajaran hendak pulang sekolah karena ngga tahu cara benerinnya).


Sayangnya, waktu semester 1 kelas X, gue masih setengah-setengah pakai kerudungnya, cuma pakai kerudung pas sekolah. Hehe .. Kalau lagi pake baju bebas, gue ngga pakai kerudung.  Hal itu membuat temen-temen gue terutama cowok pada nanya alasan gue pakai kerudung dan gue jawab karena disuruh Umi dan buat mutihin badan. Hehe..  Beneran lho! Semenjak pakai baju panjang dan kerudung, badan gue ngga belang lagi.

Di akhir semester 1, gue menyadari adanya perubahan-perubahan semenjak gue pakai kerudung (selain tambah putih). Ngga ada lagi yang nyangka gue non muslim. :D Dulu waktu SMP, gue beberapa kali disangka non islam sama temen gue (mungkin karena gue punya kulit kuning dan rambut lurus khas etnis Tionghoa).  Gue ngga khawatir lagi apakah kalau gue duduk, celana dalem gue bakal keliatan apa ngga (soalnya sebelum pakai kerudung, gue suka pakai rok mini/selutut). Cowok-cowok yang kalau gue jalan kaki (di sepanjang jalan Surotokunto, dari Johar sampai rumah) biasanya bersiul dan terkesan ngegodain gue, ngga melakukan hal tersebut lagi. :D

Soal cantik, setelah merenung, gue tersadar satu hal bahwa hal yang paling penting yang gue pelajari adalah meniatkan berhijab untuk Allah, gue ngga peduli lagi apakah nanti akan ada orang yang memuji gue cantik apa ngga. Cukup Allah bagi gue :) 

Peristiwa yang justru menguatkan gue untuk berkerudung adalah kasus Aa Gym poligami. Gue aneh ngeliat banyak orang di media yang marah karena Aa Gym poligami. Bukannya Islam memang mengizinkan poligami ya (Baca Q.S. An-Nisa: 3) ? Buat gue pasti ada alasan tersendiri Aa Gym poligami. Selain itu, menurut gue poligami itu urusan pribadi, terserah orang tersebut mau poligami atau tidak selama sesuai aturan dalam Islam. Jadi seharusnya orang-orang ngga semarah itu sama Aa Gym. Pas lagi heboh, kebetulan gue baca ayat ini:

Dengan menyebut nama Allah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang


“Tidaklah pantas bagi seorang mukmin dan tidak (pula) bagi mukminah apabila Allah dan Rasul-Nya memutuskan suatu perkara, lalu mereka masih memilih-milih (yang lain) dari urusan mereka”

 (Al-Ahzab: 36)

Awalnya pas baca ayat itu. Gue berkata dalam hati “Tuh kan? Kenapa orang-orang pada ribut? Allah kan udah bilang poligami boleh.” Tapi ayat itu justru membuat gue sadar mengenai perilaku gue sendiri: Soal berhijab! Gue udah tahu Allah telah menetapkan bahwa perempuan muslim itu wajib berhijab ketika sudah baligh (sudah haid), tapi gue masih menunda-nundanya untuk melakukannya.  Gue baca lagi Al-Ahzab : 36 ““Tidaklah pantas…..” dan seketika gue menangis. (ʃ˘̩̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ)  

Semenjak itu gue pun memutuskan untuk memakai kerudung dan menutup aurat. :D


Soal pengalaman menutup aurat ada kejadian yang lucu buat gue. Jadi waktu masuk kuliah gue ngeliat banyak perempuan berjilbab & ngga, pada ngga pakai kaus kaki. Saat itu gue pikir “Oh.. kalau udah kuliah ngga perlu pakai kaos kaki.”. Gue pun ngga pakai kaos kaki. Terus pas masuk SALAM, gue aneh gitu ngeliat senior-senior akhwat (perempuan) di di SALAM pada pakai kaos kaki tapi saat itu gue pikir mereka kayak anak SMA (masih pakai kaos kaki kalau pakai sepatu) dan bahkan mereka minta pintu sekre ditutup kalau ada ikhwan lewat sementara mereka dalam kondisi ngga pakai kaos kaki atau ngga mau lewat ke daerah ikhwan, kalau lagi ngga pakai kaos kaki. “Kok ribet banget?” pikir gue. Gue pun nanya kenapa mereka ribet banget, mereka bilang “mau menutup aurat dengan sempurna” tapi saat itu gue ngga ngerti maksud mereka . Sampai pada akhirnya gue shalat dan tiba-tiba ada angin dari belakang sehingga kaki gue keliatan dan saat itu gue baru inget “kaki juga termasuk aurat!”. Berarti harus pakai kaos kaki juga. Hehe.. Awalnya pakai kaos kakinya bolong-bolong, hari ini pake terus besok ngga (soalnya gue ngga mau ngerasa kepaksa jadi belajar membiasakan diri secara perlahan). Tapi sekarang udah mulai terbiasa pakai kaos kaki tiap hari (pas keluar rumah tentunya). Hehe..



Jadi, tunggu apa lagi?
 bagi kamu perempuan muslim, yuk menutup aurat :D


oia jangan lupa 


Note: Kalau ditanya pandangan gue tentang poligami? Dulu waktu SMA, gue selalu jawab gue setuju poligami selama itu ngga terjadi sama gue. Kalau saat ini, jawaban gue: gue setuju poligami dan gue bakal ngizinin suami gue poligami (kalau gue yakin dia bisa berlaku adil dan gue yang jadi istri pertamanya karena gue ngga yakin mau jadi istri ke2,3, ataupun 4.).

another lesson learned: gue melihat kebenaran berdasarkan apa yang banyak orang lakukan dan tidak membuat asumsi.. hehe.. harusnya gue mencari langsung di Al-Quran



Not a parasite

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I want to say sorry for the last posting entitled parasite, it probably wasn’t very nice because I whine the entire paragraph. By the way, thank you if you are reading it because it feels like someone want to listen to my problems. :)

Did you know that people who depressed always see bad thing as permanent, happen because internal factor, and that bad things will happen to other things (global). Well, lately that is how I see my world and that is explained why I have ever thought about suicide. Actually now I am learning to not see the world like that again. One of my homework is to ask to my close friend what good side of me so I learned to see myself not in negative way. It is quite helpful at first, but I find a way to counter what they said because deep down inside I did not believe that I worth enough to have someone to love me. 

 In counseling session I realized that my mom’s feedback to me is always huge impact to me because I am really close to her and trust her.  If you have a lot people whom you can trust, maybe you will have vary feedback and considered whether one of them is true. So I talk about it to my mom, I explained her words like “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” is made me stress. When I told her that, she said she said such words not to make me think that I was never become a good friend, but to make me change into a better person and more understand to other people around me. Hahaha how silly I was. I made wrong assumption. I should realized that my mom is not learn psychology so she does not that good feedback is the specific one.

My best friend Nia said “You are what you think”. Hahaha.. how could I forget about that? it is simple thing but I forgot about that. Did you know? a few days ago, I saw my chair mate in high school’s facebook update status “Allah mengikuti prasangka hamba-Nya.” Back in high school, it is one of my principal and I always said that sentences to her to made her feel confidence and now here I am forget that sentences. How did I change? From that confidence & optimist person into someone who spends their whole time with a nervous knot in their stomach. What on earth happened to me?  lost sight of who I was. I lost myself. Btw, thank you Nia for reminds me. I've found myself again :D

Here is  another good news: the camera was found! Yey! :D
I actually entrusted the camera to one of my cousin teh enung (her age is same as my mom’s age and her daughter is around my age) . I left the camera to her because I want to take picture with A hasbi then I went to dinner.  Hahaha.. how stupid I was to forget that.. teh enung just realized that I left the camera to her is the next day when she search her make up in her bag and she quite surprised to find out that the camera was in her bag :D  Alhamdulillah :D

Did you know? Last night (night when camera is gone), when I cry hard, my step father talk to my mom to stop being angry with me and then my mom kiss me and said that she’s sorry. she explained that what made her angry was not the wedding picture, rather picture about her duty in school. It made me surprised because we never had that kind discussion. I glad my mom re-married :D It changed my view about marriage especially second marriage. I mean in the text book they said that second marriage has more risk to divorce rather than the first one. 

Every time I saw  my mother and my father talk to each other , their talk end became fighting or is about telling order/command to each other. Sometimes my friend said to me “Hey Han, don’t you think that you can talk each other about your problem?”. well, that advice is quite hard for me to imagine or to do because what I have been seen is talk to each other will be end in fighting (quarrel).

One funny thing is when I was in high school; my teacher said that a good wife is the one who obey her husband. I suddenly screamed “No way” when I heard that. I quite embarrassed at that time and did not understand why I did that. But later, I realize that obey a husband is a concept that quite hard for me to grasp because I saw my mom and my dad always have different perspective, ex: my mom want to have one child, my dad want to have eleven children. In my mind, obeying a husband means obey someone who is really has different perspective with me and I do not think I can handle that. Hahaha it is silly. I should realize that I can look for someone who has same perspective and value with me as my husband so I will glad to obey him.

"If I’ve learned one lesson from all that’s happened to me,
 it’s that there is no such thing as the biggest mistake of your existence. 
There’s no such thing as ruining your life. 
Life’s a pretty resilient thing, it turns out" -Shopie Kinsella

Dreams in High School

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What is your dream when you were in high school?

Weel, my dreams when I was in high school were:
1st. I study psychology in University Of Indonesia



2nd. I found girl best friend. I found friend who really understand me and I understand about her, we share secret to each other, friend who is make me comfortable to discuss everything (but do not like gossip), friend who always stay no matter what happens, likes although we are not in the same class anymore, and friend who feels like sister to me



3rd. I found a guy who loves me and we share the same dream about marriage and life. In my last semester in university, he proposed me, he sing James Blunt-You're beautiful and then say “I love you, Hana. Will you marry me?” and I will say “Yes, I will.”


4th I will became prof. Hana Bilqisthi
5th. I write a novel
6th  become one of the audience of Oprah Winfrey Show

7th I will pay my parents to go to Meccah for Hajj

8th Having an apartement and a house (a house who has six bedrooms, backyard/garden, a library like Sinichi Kudo, a mushala)


9th become psychologist and open a clinic in Karawang
10th I will have a lot money and buy gift to all my teacher in elementary, junior high school, and high school
11th Made my parents proud of me, laugh with my brother and sister, stay connect with my big family
12th Memorize the Quran

13th being able to play guitar


14th. being able to speak japanese


15th Live Happily (ever after)

a Parasite

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Urgh! I never have done anything right in my life. I hate myself! (۳ ˚Д˚)۳ Why am I always being a parasite?   (You may think I am exaggerated but I am feel sad and miserable right now so all I could remember is bad things that I have done).  I lost my family’s camera digital at my cousin’s engagement party.  \(˚O°")/ \("˚O°)/  On the scale of disasters, this is not huge. Not huge. One day I expect I’ll look back at this moment and laugh and think, Ha-ha, how silly I was to worry.  (*) I hope. (˘ʃƪ˘) 


I thought the camera digital was in my hand all the time and when the party was over, then my family got in the car, I checked camera digital case and nothing in there... ( ° °|||)  I only hold the case but the camera was gone. . I think I was “absent-minded”. My sister said I was the last one who held it, but I could not remember anything. Σ(Д|||) All I could remember is the last time I use the camera is when I and my cousins took picture together ─ that is before we ate dinner, and then I did not recall anything happened after that. _;) “Should we go back and check?” I asked my mom and my stepfather. “No, we can call your cousins“. 

(゚ペ)  I tried to think every possibility where, when, and the camera gone. I hope one of my cousins still got it. Maybe it fell into hole in the sofa… maybe I put it when I am standing in the for eating and got a plate…. maybe.. The possibilities in my head are getting more and more far-fetched, but I can’t give up on them.  One of the worst moments is the fact that I could not do anything because I left my handphone at home, so my mom and my sister tried to call all my cousins to check whether one of them hold the camera digital. Unfortunately, none of them did. ( ) Suddenly everyone in the car was panic. At first, we thought that it is left behind and one member of my family will take it and keep it. Besides, the engagement party is only for family; my cousin’s family (which include me) and his fiancée’s family (take place at his fiancée’s family). The fact that none of my cousins is holding the camer, made my hope shrinks. I felt so guilty. (_)

My mom tried to call A Hasbi (my cousin who engage and still at party’s place) to asked him to check the all over the place. The camera has to be there, it has to be. It seemed I ran out my luck because he said he could not find them. When we heard that, my brother glared angrily at me. ( ) He said “Oh Please! Keep the stuff nicely!” I started to cry. Oh no! I do not want him to mad at me! My relationship with him is not in good term, he often angry with me and it is quite hard for me to fix it (it usually my false, but I always late to realize it because at first he did not say anything about being angry with me, my brother is the type who kept everything inside and then he blew it). Because it happened quite often, lately one of my small mistakes will make him angry.  And do you know what? Before we went to my cousin’s engagement’s party, my brother teased me when I forgot where I put my glasses. Me-who-always-forget-the-place-of-everything. It is perfect! (・-・)

I suddenly remember my mother harsh word when I was at high school “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” I also remember the fact that I could not do the housework, like cook and sweep the floor. I mean the one of the hadith said that “The best people are those who are the most useful to others”. And I could not remember when the last time I am useful to others or maybe I never have been useful to others. (╥╥)  No! No! I should not let my negative thought control and fill my head. I had to fight it. In the counseling, you have promised , Hana. You have to fight back. Come on thinking nice things about you. ('́) But I can’t. (_⌣") Suddenly negative memory, the sad one, the embarrassing one, they are keep coming like a flood; I was drawn and overwhelmed by them. (ʃ˘̩̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ)  I came to my mom but she said “There are many photos that have not been copied to computer yet, the wedding one. (My mother is newlywed. she married my stepfather on 11th January this year, which less than a month ago) ” I tried to calm my mother “No, Mom! If it is your wedding, I have copied it. It is in my hard disk.” My step father said I should stop crying because it is fate/destiny that I lost the camera, but my mom said “No, let her cry. She should learn to keep stuff. She should learn. Yes, we can buy the camera again. But she is always messy. She should learn being responsible to take care things. She should learn from this"

See? I am parasite. I am not good child. I am not a good muslim either. My friend always said I am religious but I do not think so. Yes, I always try to pray shalat on time but last year I learned the fact that I did not read Quran right (makhrajal huruf?). Yet, I have not memorize all 30 juz of Quran. I do not think I am good child, friend, muslim, student. and neighbor And suddenly I started to think that there will not be a guy who want marry me. I am such a mess.

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