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Have your cry, but Keep going


I never thought that I can feel and think like Kakeru in Orange Manga
He thought He should not be happy since his mother die
I had similar feeling and thinking when I knew my favorite lecturer, Mba Evie is gone
I regret the last time I met her, I often avoided her
I am afraid that she disappointed in me since my performance went down in my last semesters
I regret I never tell her that she is my favorite lecturer
I suddenly felt I should not be happy
I thought she will be angry at me if I am happy
I just wanna cry and keep cry

Then I felt dizzy and tired
It drain me

I asked my self, If I die what would I like my significant others feel?
I suddenly realized
I want them to be sad but only for a while/ short time
I did not want them to spend day or life in misery
I want them to be happy
to continue living
to do something that meaningful for them

Yeah, I gotta move on

Look Back with Love

When I joined SWA, my co workers often told me story about Mba Aini, the one whose position I replace.
Sometimes they compared me with her
At first I get annoyed because I thought they think I am not good enough.
But I also realized that for me, they are my first co worker but to them I am not their first.

Now I am no longer annoyed.
I began to understand

One of my co workers, Mba Asri had resign and will change job soon.
I close enough to her. We often had lunch together and have girls talk, She's type who easy to talk to

I read that fortune is not only about money, but friend is also fortune.
I am grateful that Allah gave me good friend, like Mba Asri.
Soon after realized that fact, I said thanks to Mba Asri for being good friend and I am really grateful to meet her.

I think if Mba Asri has already moved, I will keep talking about her because I miss her and do not want to forget her

Now I kinda understand my co worker's feeling back.
They keep talking about Mba Aini not because I was not good enough but because they love Mba Aini and want to remember her.
So when the new one come maybe they cant help to compare

For two beings who are not friends are near each other, there is no meeting,
 and when friend far apart there is no separation
-Simone Weil

Read Indonesia version, here

See You Again, Mba Evie

Assalamu’alaikum Mba Evi (Nurlyta Hafiyah),

You probably will never read this letter since you've already gone. 
(But maybe Allah will tell you about this letter)
I want to tell you that you are my favorite lecturer and it is always be.
The are a lot important lessons I got from you.

First time We met in logic and scientific writing courses.  
I do not know you remembered or not since you gave lecture to a lot student.
For some reason I did not understand, I had a feeling that we have a lot in common.

Your style of lecture made me fall in love with the course. You expect the best from the student by giving the challenging homework and told us your expectation.  You introduce me and my friends  to psychology journal, APA Style and logical fallacies. Thank you so much cause those knowledge help a lot in my academic life.

The best part of you is you did not afraid to give high mark to student who deserved it. You change my perspective. I thought writing is very subjective so I predicted the remark will be so so or I cant get high remark.
That day, you made me believe that I am good writer and I can be the one if I want to.

During short semester program (Semester Pendek), you made me fall in love with Social Psychology and I am still in love with Social Psychology. 

Do you know, Mba Evie? You are the one who add my Facebook and LinkedIn account first. Usually the student is the one who ask friend request to lecturer first, not the other way around. I was surprised. Unfortunately I will not got that surprising act from you again.

I am lucky enough to got you as my supervisor for Research in Social Psychology Course. I enjoyed our discussion. You gave me constructive feedback so I can finish the proposal.
Thank you for always believe in me.  

I remembered the day when I gave you Semprong.  I thought you will be happy, but you did not. You were very happy. You gave me bright smile. At that time, I felt I am the one who receive a gift. Thank you Mba Evie.

I cried when I heard the news that you've already gone. Mba Evie, I prayed that Allah forgive all your sins, accept your good deeds and make you enter the paradise (jannah).

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun.
Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.
Death is not the end.
It is only temporary separation.
It is not good bye-letter, It is see you again letter.
You just returned to Allah and in the future, I will join you too.
We will met again in the after life, right?
A that time, I hope we both meet in Jannah or paradise.

More Confident


My co worker, Rizki said thanks to me. He said he became more confident after I joined SWA.
At that time, I thought he become more confident because he is no longer the youngest and he is smarter than me. 
I felt I was the stupidest since I knew little about business and SWA Magazine so I often ask my senior about a lot of things and sometime they seem get annoyed by my question so I feel stupider.
I often ask a lot of questions to Rizki since he seem welcomed or did not seem annoyed if I ask question and our age difference is only a year apart. I feel like I ask a friend, not senior.

I tried to feel not stupid by remembering Albert Einsten quotes that "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" 
It is alright for me to not know all things.
It is okay for me to feel stupid.
I said to myself  it will be not okay when I did not want to learn or study anymore
realized that I knew nothing and little made me curious and want to learn
then I can grow into better person.

After two months in SWA, Rizki admitted that he felt more confident than me because he finally found someone who is smaller and skinnier than he.
I was speechless. -_-
I did not get it
then I realized it is about what things that matter to someone.
For me, being smart is important because it made me confident
So when someone said he/she is more confident, I automatically think that he/she has same source of confidence and think what made people more confident than me if he/she is smarter than me 
But I am forget that people have different source of confident or things that matter to them.
For Rizki, It seems body image is important thing or source of his confident so when he found someone who is skinnier/thinner, He felt more confident.

Then I asked him "So you did not think I am stupid?"
Rizki said "No"
then I smiled 

I also realized something else:
belajar itu selalu koma, tidak pernah mengenal titik

Practice what you preach (keep trying)

After I posted Perfection Trap, I became aware of something .. 
I put off doing something because I'm afraid, I wait until I think things get better or perfect then I realized nothing change if I do nothing so I had to do something to change it
I decided to focus and solve these problems and stop to blogging so I can use the spare time that I usually use for writing to solve these problem.
I made my mind and start working on these problem
then after a while I remember that I forgot to tell you guys, my readers about this plan.
I should tell you guys right after I made up my mind but I forgot.
I knew I promised to posts update every week and therefore I apologize that no updates for these past time , especially for my loyal readers who look forward to my weekly posts. 
I understand if you consider my behavior is not consistent with my speech. 
I'm really sorry.
In this post, I want to tell that I will keep posting every week but only until the end of 2014 (Insya allah). I hope you can understand and still want to read my blog :D

Thank you for your attention! Wish me luck! 

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