Am I insecure?

I have just reread I've got your number by Sophie Kinsella

Sam puts his fork down. “You added kisses to an email of mine? A business email?” 

He looks almost more scandalized by this than by anything else

.“I didn’t mean to!” I say defensively. “They just slipped out. I always put kisses on emails. It’s friendly.”

“Oh. I see.” He raises his eyes to heaven. “You’re one of those ridiculous people.” 

It’s not ridiculous,” I retort. “It’s being nice.” 

“Let me see.” He reaches for the phone. 

“Stop it!” I say in horror. “What are you doing?” 

I make a swipe, but it’s too late. He’s got the phone and he’s scrolling through all the messages and emails. As he reads, he lifts an eyebrow, then frowns, then gives a sudden laugh. 

“What are you looking at?” I try to sound frosty. “You should respect my confidentiality.” 

He totally ignores me. Does he have no idea of privacy? What’s he reading, anyway? It could be anything.I take another sip of soup, but it’s so cold I can’t face any more. 

As I look up, Sam’s still reading my messages avidly. This is hideous. I feel like he’s rifling through my underwear drawer. 

“Now you know what it’s like, having someone else critiquing your emails,” he says, glancing up. 

“There’s nothing to critique,” I say, a little
haughtily. “Unlike you, I’m charming and polite and don’t brush people off with two words.” 

“You call it charming. I call it something else.” 

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. Of course he doesn’t want to admit I have superior communication skills. 

Sam reads another email, shaking his head, then looks up and surveys me silently.“What?” I say, nettled. “What is it?”“Are you so scared people will hate you?” 

“What?” I stare at him, not knowing how to react. “What are you talking about?” 

He gestures at the phone. “Your emails are like one big cry. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug, please like me, please like me!” 

“What?” I feel like he’s slapped me round the face. 

“That’s absolute … crap.” 

“Take this one: Hi, Sue! Can I possibly change my wedding updo consultation to a later time, like five p.m.? It’s with Louis. Let me know. But if not no worries. Thanks so much! I really appreciate it! Hope all is well. Love, Poppy xxxxxxxxxx  

Who’s Sue? Your oldest, dearest friend?” 

“She’s the receptionist at my hairdresser.” I glare at him. 

“So she gets thanks and appreciation and a zillion kisses, just for doing her job? 

“I’m being nice!” I snap. 

“It’s not being nice,” he says firmly, “it’s being ridiculous. It’s a business transaction. Be businesslike.” 

“I love my hairdresser!” I say furiously. I take a spoonful of soup, forgetting how revolting it is, and quell a shudder.
Sam’s still scrolling through my messages, as if he has every right to. I never should have let him get his hands on that phone. I should have wiped it myself. 

 Sam is gazing at me, shaking his head. “You are a big surprise, you know that? This is a big surprise.” 

He taps the phone.“What?”“You’re pretty insecure for someone who’s so feisty on the outside.” 

“I’m not!” I retort, rattled.“Not insecure? Or not feisty?”“I—” I’m too confused to answer. “I dunno. Stop it. Leave me alone.” 

 “When you read my texts, you saw a curt, miserable git. And you told me so. Maybe you’re right.” He pauses. “But you know what I saw when I read yours?” 

“No.” I scowl at him. “And I don’t want to know.” 

“I saw a girl who races to help others but doesn’t help herself. And right now you need to help yourself. No one should walk up the aisle feeling inferior or in a different league or trying to be something they’re not. I don’t know exactly who your issues are with”

When I read those part and relate to my everyday life.. I can see I am quite similar to Poppy (the main character).. I always end my email with emoticon and signature like this:

Love,

Qisthi

Hana Bilqisthi

I made these signature for personal use .. but I forgot that it is automatically set in my email.. so whenever I send an email (wheter it is personal or bussiness), it will end with “Love, Qisthi, Hana Bilqisthi”

I began to wonder... Does it mean I am insecure person?

Am I sending message to my friend that I am insecure and “please like me.. please like me”?

Do I want to please everyone else?

:/

I recalled I got 85 on communication component at my internship ( it is good actually but when I know your friend get 90,  I suddenly realized it means I worse than my friend or it is quite bad)..

I just realized I lack communication skill and I am quite rude..

I mean I sent text with wink emoticon [ ;) ] to my supervisor..

It happened because my phone is error and I cant pick smiley [ :) ] but I dont want my message only contains text, because I am afraid it will consider as rude... so I choose wink instead...

I completely forgot that wink is not a good idea..

I began to think.. think and think.. (or you could call it worry)

I do not want to be insecure person..

I decide to change my signature.. Now my email end up with “Best regrads instead of with love”

Does it enough? Is there anything that I should do?

hm...  I think I need to get another perspective..

so I asked my bestie Nia and Vania, to find out whether they see me as insecure person.

When I told them about that I end up with conclusion that I am insecure person and ask them what can I do to change it.

“No, Han. You're not. You're not somebody who did something to please somebody else .. you did something because you believe that is right thing to do” said Vania

Vania's answer reminds me of my IPIP NEO result that my score low on agreeableness..

Ah how could I forget about that! :D

Nia said “No, you are not. But you talk quite monotone and feels like you did not want to talk. It is boring. You should change that way you talk. And I hate when you said sorry for something that is not your fault. I do not know you are sorry but it made me (us) sorry (guilty) to you too”

I recalled last term I said sorry quite often.

“I really sorry because I felt I was taking too many extracurricular activities and I  quite often skip class and it kinda new for me. I feel I contribute less to our group task. I never skip class often before, so I am afraid you guys mad at me.” I explained

“No, Han. I believe everybody has their own way to do something.  For me as long as you did not talk bad, annoying, and disturb me, it does not matter to me.” Replied Vania

“Well, it is fine to me, too.” said Nia. “ And I think you should not think unnecessary thing.”

Whoaa... I am suprised :O

Alhamdulillah :D

I found more about me :D I am glad that I am not insecure person :D

Kinsella, S. (2012). I've got your number. USA: Dial press.