Today, I Fell in Love with Fictional Character

Have you ever read a story and then you suddenly fall in love with the character?

 ⃛ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )

I have fallen in love with many fictional characters, especially in the comic book (manga). (´▽`ʃƪ)♡
I used to think I fall in love with them because they are perfect and ideal. (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

Now, I realize they are actually neither perfect nor ideal. ∑(ﾟﾛﾟ〃)
I know, How silly of me!
Alhamdulillah, now I realize it!
Better late than never :p

They have their own strength, weakness, achievement, failure, doubt, and mistake but they still do not give up their dream and things that important to them.
That's what makes their story feels relate-able to me.
They teach me about being real, strong, bold, and optimist.
They are imperfect and I still love them. （*’∀’人）♥

I want to tell you who perfectionist like me, who think people will love you when you are perfect.
You are wrong!
I want you to know that you will never be perfect and that's okay.
It means you are human.
Accept all of you, the good and the bad side.
Being grateful for who you are and share the true you.

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

It does not mean you don't have to be improve.
I want you strive being the best version of your self!
Remember, being the best is not same with being perfect.
 (☆^ー^☆)

“You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle 

but you are worthy of love and belonging.” 

~Brene Brown

Hare and Tortoise

Some time ago my friend share status "I may walk slowly but I never walk backwards"

His words reminded me of the story of Hare and the Tortoise

How tortoise can actually beat the hare in the race, although Hare is superior physically.

I think the tortoise won because he is consistent. In addition to consistent, the tortoise is persistent, he finished the race. He did not despair and give up.

While the Hare lost because of arrogant, he underestimate the tortoise.

Hare did not believe the obtained results , he challenged tortoise for the second race.

In the 2nd race, the tortoise won again but this time, he won with the tactics and the help of his friends.

Tortoise asked his friends (fellow turtles) to impersonate him and appear in a certain position while the tortoise itself already waiting near the finish line.

Hare was not aware of it. At first, he delighted to be running ahead of tortoise but then he was surprised because every time he managed to stay ahead of tortoise, tortoise somehow be there in front of him.

From the second race, I learned everyone has their advantages and weakness.

If used correctly, weakness can became advantage.

Another lesson is teamwork can overcome great individual.

:)

And for my reader, Eids Mubarak! Taqaballahu minna wa minkum :D

Baca versi Indonesianya, disini

Forgotten April

At noon 23rd April, only few people remember my birthday: my cousin Raissa, my niece QQ, My close friend: Kame & Nova. I confused. I usually got endless notification about birthday greeting from social media. But none said happy birthday to me on facebook, I only got two mention in twitter and one from google plus

“What’s going on here?” I ask myself “Do they busy? Do they forget the date? Do they wake up late? Do people already forget me? Do they... ”

What broke my heart even more is that none of MSC member has said happy birthday to me.

so I asked them in WA group “Guys, today is my birthday. Do you forget it or pretend to forget it?”

None of them answered so I suspect they pretend to forget my birthday, I mean if I really forget my friend’s birthday, I will say birthday and sorry as soon as possible when I get notified/remember.

When I go to google, the doodle is on birthday theme. I am moved.

I was like “Even google remember my birthday, why my best friend and my friends did not?”

Then I check my Facebook profile, I suddenly realized something odd. Last year, I remember facebook gave me mark “cake symbol” and sentence “your birthday is today.”

But I did not found those things on my Facebook profile.

 I suddenly realized something: I hide my birthday.  I need to fix it. I will unhide my birthday. Then I go to setting but I could not find it. I try several times and still I could not find how I unhide my birthday.

Hahahaha ...

It seemed that I have to accept the fact that for my 22nd’s birthday only few people that remember it.

But my patient only lasted until twilight, the sadness that I feel because people forget me become unbearable. I wanna cry.

For me, birthday is important moment, moment to feel thankful to be born in this world and celebrate it.

Suddenly, I remember Kak Aditya Kurniawan. He is the one who inspire me to hide my birthday on Facebook, so I told him(via WA) that I failed to follow his example because today is my birthday and I feel sad and I am still not used to with this sudden change. I also told him I tried to change to unhide my birthday on Facebook but I did not how.

He laugh, said happy birthday to me and then told me how to unhide my birthday. I should go to update profile, not went to setting.

I felt silly and stupid. How can I forget about that? O_O

But when he told me, I am on the bus on my way back to karawang from Jakarta ( I got interview test at Indian Embassy that day) and my internet connection kinda bad plus low battery.
Since I can’t bear the pain and sadness that people forget my birthday, I sent text to many WA's group that I joined in: Today is my birthday, so please said happy birthday to me.
Then I got some happy birthday greetings from my friends. I was happy again! Yeah! Alhamdulillah!

When I told Kak Adit about my solution, he laughed and said “Han, why do not you ask a friend to notified your other friends that today is your birthday?”

( O .. O )

Suddenly I felt stupid, I did not think that way. Maybe I am going to try the advice next year (Insya Allah)

Anyway I realized the good things from this year forgotten birthday:

-I got reminder that my best friend MSC is quite mischievous. They really pretend to forget my birthday since they knew I hate being forgotten. Yeah, I think it is better, I mean things it could get worse. I mean being forgotten is better than they throw flour on me or drown me onto lake. Sometimes we are happy when we pick or joke on our friends. 

-I did not have to reply tons or many birthday greeting, especially from somebody I don't really know.

-Keep positive thinking. My friend have their way to say happy birthday to me. Like my close friend Ranti, when I asked why she has not said happy birthday, she admitted that she remembered my birthday, but since she failed became the first person to say happy birthday to me, she intend to became the last person who said happy birthday to me. :’)

It is so sweet.

-Having wedding on my birthday will not be a good idea (I used to think having wedding on my birthday is good idea). I feel so sad because my birthday is forgotten, I could not image how sad I am if the wedding date is similar to my birthday and then my husband forget those.

Hahahahahaahhaha

-I realized that the disappointment that I felt is because I love this world so much. It is reminder that I should place my hope and my expectation in Allah then I will find never get disappointed.

“When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. When nobody else compliments you, then compliment yourself. It’s not up to other people to keep you encouraged. It’s up to you. Encouragement should come from the inside.”

—	Joel Osteen

Baca versi bahasa Indonesia, di sini 

Always Good

I've always thought I'd be happy if I get what I want
But it turns out without getting what I want, I am fine and happy
Sometime ago I was thinking that marrying the man I love will make me happy and I will find my happily ever after
But it turns out that I can not marry him
I find that:
I still laugh when reading comics
I smiled at the joke that was brought up by my family and friends
I still can feel happy
At first I thought I would feel sad and cry for hours
Apparently not
Alhamdulillah
I'm very grateful to God
Which makes me realize that no matter what happens, it is always good
As the Rasulullah (Prophet Muhammad PBUH) said that
How wonderful is the case of believer;
there is good for him in everything
and this applies only to a believer
If prosperity attend him, he expresses gratitude to Allah;
and that is good for him
and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him
What I need to do is always believing that God has kind intention
I just understand that recently
Because sometimes what made us sad is that we don't understand that God always gives His best to His servant

I remember the story of Umar who protest about the results Hudaibiyah agreement to the Rasulullah PBUH and Abu Bakr,  according to Umar, the agreement harms Muslims
But the Rasulullah PBUH and Abu Bakr believed that it is ordinance of God
After the Prophet died, Umar realized that Hudaibiyah agreement proved to be more detrimental to Kafr Quraysh than infidels Muslims, he regretted ever protest against the results of the agreement

I think the bad or sad moment we have in life is actually like medicine when we are sick
we have to take medication even though it was bitter, because after we take the medicine, we can be healed, healthy and strong
But sometimes we do not understand, even cry and refuse the medicine
I also believe problems exist so we learn to change our point of view for the things that initially we thought we can not pass or tackle
Whatever happens, believe it is the best
Allahu Akbar!
Yes, I think my life is always good and here I am the luckiest girl the world
Alhamdulillah ala kuli hal!
\(^0^)/

baca versi bahasa Indonesia disini

Restart

Three days ago, I read psychology today article entitled  “Can a Rebound Relationship Be the Real Deal?”. The main point of the article is that we often think that after the break up, it is better to wait before starting a new relationship. But it is proved to be otherwise, it is better if we immediately start a new relationship after break up.

After read this article I suddenly remember a friend, she took a break after failed once in looking for a job . She feels she needs time to heal the disappointment. Unlike me, who still continue to look for when I fail. Somehow, i adapt better than her.

Read this article made me realize it turns out that relationship and looking for a job have similar mechanism

If you fail, just try again (restart) :)

To be honest, i took a break in my ta'aruf process, I assumed it is better for me to heal my wound then try again.

So when my murrabi, Kak Ran asked whether I want to start ta'aruf again

I answered “later”

hahahahah

aih... There are so many things that I have to learn

Wish me luck!

Fight! 

:D

baca versi bahasa Indonesia, disini.

Lulus 3.5 Tahun

Tiada daya dan upaya kecuali dengan pertolongan Allah  

Banyak yang bertanya mengenai pengalaman Hana yang lulus 3,5 tahun :) Hana akan mencoba  menjawab :)

Kenapa Hana  pengen lulus 3,5 tahun?
Keinginan untuk lulus 3,5 tahun itu udah ada semenjak Hana masuk kuliah. Alasan utama sih masalah ekonomi, mengingat yang menanggung biaya hidup dan kuliah Hana itu Umi (Allah menitipkan rejeki Hana via Umi). Hana ngga mau ngerepotin Umi lama-lama. :) Biaya kuliah dan hidup satu semester kan lumayan gede juga :) Kalau bisa diusahakan untuk berhemat, mengapa ngga? Alasan lain pengen lulus 3,5 tahun karena ngerasa keren aja kalau bisa lulus 3,5 tahun. Hahahahhaha

Sebenarnya sempet mau membuang keinginan lulus 3,5 tahun mengingat Hana mengambil peminatan psikologi sosial dan klinis, dimana kedua peminatan tersebut masih ada mata kuliah wajib di semester tujuh dan juga belum nemu (kenal/tahu) senior yang dengan peminatan sosial klinis lulus 3,5 tahun.
Hal yang membuat terpacu lagi untuk lulus 3,5 tuh karena Hana udah sesumbar bilang pengen lulus 3,5 tahun dari awal masuk kuliah jadinya umi, abi  dan temen-temen hana banyak yang nanya rencana Hana untuk lulus 3,5 tahun. Hahahahahah

Alhamdulillah Hana ketemu Kak Asma dan curhat sama dia. Kak Asma bilang mungkin kok peminatan sosial-klinis lulus 7 semester, cuma akan banyak pengorbanan, dan mungkin akan banyak malam-malam tanpa tidur. Habis curhat sama Kak Asma, jadi makin optimis :) Alhamdulillah :D

Selain sama Kak Asma, Hana juga curhat sama Kak Senza, Kak Reno dan Kak Ninis mengenai kegamangan Hana untuk lulus 3,5 tahun dan menemukan pesan yang intinya : Doing something later is not the same with doing something better :D

Hana sempet berpikir kalau mengerjakan skripsinya di semester delapan, mungkin Hana akan lebih baik dan lebih fokus jadi hasilnya lebih baik tapi sebenarnya belum tentu. Ngga ada jaminan kalau skripsi Hana akan lebih baik kalau dikerjakan di semester delapan. :)


Bagaimana cara menentukan topik skripsi?

Ini termasuk hal yang sulit karena minat Hana broad banget. Kayaknya hampir semua topik di psikologi Hana suka. Hahahah. Diperparah dengan sifat Hana yang banyak maunya dan perfeksionis. Dari semester enam itu udah mulai baca-baca jurnal dan skripsi-skripsi senior tapi semua berasa seru. Hm..
Sampai tiba-tiba Nia nyeletuk "Han, loe mau ta'aruf kan? Kenapa loe ngga neliti tentang itu aja?"
0_0
Eh emang ta'aruf bisa diteliti ya?
Berangkat dari celetukan Nia, Hana menemukan bahwa ternyata udah pernah ada penelitian ta'aruf tahun 2005-2006 tapi kebanyakan kualitatif.
Setelah itu, bertekad meneliti tentang ta'aruf. Hohohoho :D



Sejak Kapan Mulai Cari PS (Pembimbing Skripsi)?
Hana baru mencari PS saat liburan dari semester enam ke semester tujuh. Sebenarnya pengen mencari PS dari semenjak semester 6 karena dapet nasehat kalau yang lulus 3,5 tahun itu memulai skripsi dari jauh-jauh hari. Intinya lebih cepat mulai, lebih baik. Tapi berhubungan semester enam masih galau topik, masih ragu juga untuk mencari PS, mengingat saran dari Mba Ira (manajer pendidikan) , PS adalah dosen yang ahli pada topik yang kita inginkan untuk skripsi. Sempet stress juga sebenarnya karena Hana masih belum dapet PS di semester enam karena Hana melihat beberapa teman Hana yang memang niat untuk lulus semester tujuh udah dapet PS dan anehnya lagi semester ini tuh Hana selalu telat daftar payung seorang dosen yang Hana suka topiknya. Entah kenapa Hana gagal mulu, keduluan orang. 

Nah setelah Hana tahu Hana pengen skripsi tentang ta'aruf, dari Hana liat sih skripsi senior yang ta'aruf itu pembimbing skripsinya Prof. Sarlito, tapi beliau udah pensiun, ngga mungkin Hana meminta tolong beliau jadi PS. Terus Hana inget kalau pakar pernikahan itu Mba Adriana. Jadinya memberanikan diri untuk menghubungi Mba Adriana . Alhamdulillah Mba Adriana mau untuk bertemu Hana :) Dari pertemuan dengan Mba Adriana, beliau secara halus menolak Hana karena beliau sibuk tapi karena tahu Hana minat ta'aruf, Mba Adriana merekomendasikan Hana untuk bertanya kepada Mba Sari. Sempet sedih karena ditolak Mba Adriana tapi inget cerita salah seorang temen Hana yang juga ditolak pada kesempatan pertama mencari PS. I feel better. Terus nanya deh ke Mba Sari dan alhamdulillah Mba Sari bersedia \(^0^)/

Nah, setelah tahu Hana ingin lulus 3,5, Mba Sari menyarankan untuk mencari teman satu payung, sebenarnya pengen ngajak MSC tapi Hana tahu mereka ngga minat topik beginian. Hahaha .. Akhirnya Hana mengajak Ria dan Shahnaz yang kebetulan magang bareng. 

Dari pencarian PS ini  Hana belajar bahwa "Ini bukan tentang siapa yang lebih dulu memulai, tapi siapa yang berhasil mencapai finish lebih dulu :)". Insight ini Hana dapatkan karena beberapa temen Hana yang mendapat PS dan memulai pengerjaan skripsi terlebih dahulu dibanding Hana, ternyata batal lulus 3,5 tahun. Terus ada juga temen Hana yang memulai skripsi lebih telat dari Hana ternyata berhasil lulus 3,5 tahun.

:)

Sampai sini dulu ya :)
Nanti insya allah disambung lagi :)
Tenang aja, masih banyak yang pengen Hana ceritakan terkait pengalaman mengerjakan skripsi ini :)

Baca juga Tips Lulus Kuliah S1 3,5 tahun

Unexpected Gift: PSku baik sekali ^0^

Dua lembar uang dua ribu dan selembar uang seribu rupiah

itu adalah jumlah uang yang tersisa di dompetku sejak hari rabu siang

Untungnya hari ini adalah hari kamis sehingga aku bisa berpuasa dan itu berarti aku bisa menekan pengeluaran

dan hari ini aku dan teman-teman satu payung skripsi berjanji patungan 50ribu rupiah perorang untuk hadiah bagi partisipan fogus group discussion(fgd) pasangan menikah via taaruf yang akan diadakan sabtu ini

hahaha..

Aku berpikir jika tiba waktu untuk patunga, mungkin aku akan mengajukan diri sebagai orang yang mengumpulkan uang (bendahara) sehingga aku bisa menunda waktu untuk patungan uang,

mungkin saja sore ini atau esok hari, aku akan mendapat kiriman uang dari orang tua atau beasiswa tanoto. ya, semoga..

Hana      : “Mba Sari (nama pembimbing skripsi hana), saya dan teman-teman saya berencana membeli suvenir untuk partisipan fgd nanti. Menurut Mba bagaimana?”

Mba Sari :“Ngga usah han. Saya berencana memberikan uang transport kepada mereka. seorang lima puluh ribu.”

 Hana : O.O (dalam hati : eeeeeeeeeeeeeh?)

Mba Sari : “ya, mereka (partisipan) pada tinggal dimana Hana?”

Hana : yang hana tahu depok, Mba

Mba Sari : Ya, kita kasih 50ribu aja perorang, ngga usah suvenir

Hana      : *speechless

 (langsung ngitung di pikiran, partisipan ada 4 pasangan, dan itu berarti delapan orang, 8x50ribu=400ribu....... :o banyak banget ... )

Hana      :                Makasih banyak Mba Sari :’) (terharu, mba sari baik banget.. alhamdulillah makasih ya Allah)

aku pun bergegas menceritakan hal ini ke salah seorang teman satu payung skripsi, ria anggraini

Hana      :               Riaaaaaaa... kita ngga usah patungan buat hadiah partisipan... Mba Sari mau ngasih uang transport 50rb satu orang” :D

Ria          :               lhamdulillah .. rezeki kita berarti, Na

Hana      :               Ya, gue nggga nyangka.. loe tahu ngga? duit di dompet gue tinggal lima ribu.. gue sebenernya sempeet bingung buat patungan kita .. tapi  gue pikir Allah pasti ngasih jalan..

Ria          :               Han, kalau loe ngga punya uang, loe bilang aja sama Ria. Jangan sampai kayak gitu

Hana      :               Hahaha.. Ngga Ria.. gue ngga mau ngutang.. ngga suka ngutang soalnya..

lagian sekarang masih kamis, gue mau nunggu dulu.. sapa tahu gue dikirim uang kalau besok gue masih ngga ada, gue baru mikirin gimana ngatasinnya.. sebenarnya

di atm gue masih ada 80rb sih.. tapi gue belum mau ambil, jaga-jaga aja..

Alhamdulillah :D terima kasih ya Allah :D ngga nyangka :D

Allah baik banget memberikan hal yang tidak terduga dan merasa bersyukur banget punya pembimbing skripsi sebaik Mba Sari :D Alhamdulillah :D

Love, when 2x0 = Happiness

Getting zero twice in journal discussion of social psychology research’s course and heard the news that the man that I love is going to marry soon (not with me, of course).

What do you think my feeling?

Sad?

Depressed?

Well,  I survived :D

I think because I learn to love Allah

Loving Allah made me believe that He always gives best to His servant ..

so it is easier to accept those conditions...

I mean I believe the old Hana maybe choose or think to suicide ..

But “The now Hana” did not think like that :D I glad I am mature :D Alhamdulillah :D

The saddest thing is the fact that I late to realize that loving Allah is great thing and the best experience ever :D

I wish i realize it sooner

All about human being is about love. Love is the master of motivation. Even fear and hatred are born of love. We obey to what we love and we are dictated by what we love. We become slave for whatever we love. Then we should very to be careful…

(Yasmid Mogahed)

When I got zero, I think that maybe Allah wants me to learn and work hard..

In my first journal discussion in social psychology research’s course, I think I did not try hard enough.. I am quite afraid to talk because I am afraid  I am wrong.. when I got chance to talk, I did not try hard enough to make the lecturer stay focus to me..

There is possibility that I will be lazy or  arrogant if I got score...

In the second chance, I tried to talk a lot but i focus on quantity not quality, and maybe I hope that I got grade by pity.. It did not good..

When I talk to my classmate, Iqbal, He said that social psychology research’s course teach to to have tactical thinking because when your answer did not right, you have to think better and effective alternative answers  as soon as possible .

Yeah... I think he got a point..  I always think that I need time to think carefully to answer something and it made slow to adapt in this class.. I have to learn think fast and effective (tactical thinking) so I will not left behind...

Wish me luck guys :D

Another interesting thing that I got from this class is reading journal’s tips from one of my lecturer, Mba Erita. She said when reading journal, try to pretend that the author is our ex lover so we will remember his/her/their name and what they really said :D

About man that I love, when I heard the news I just thought “Ah... so he is not the one for me”

Then I made list what will happen if I marry him and what will not happe if I marry him..

I just realized that my friends and my family knew that I love him (one side love) and if I marry him, they maybe think that my marriage is love-marriage, not arranged marriage (ta’aruf). I mean I always said that I did not want date before marriage and maybe if i marry him, it will be harder to me to influence my family that better not to date before marriage..

I also knew that some of my friends worry about me when I said that I want to have arranged marriage (ta’aruf). I said to them to relax and not to worry. I said that my mom is also had arranged marriage (ta’aruf).

But they said that they worry because they knew my parent’s marriage. 

Well, my mom had an arranged marriage (ta’aruf) and she divorced with my father. First time when I knew that they were going to separate, I asked myself “what is the reason that this marriage fail? Is it because they had arranged marriage (ta’aruf) so they did not love each other at first place? Or is it because something else?”

After that, I try to find out what make marriage works and failed by reading a lot book about marriage. There is a time when i am afraid and did not want to marry...I used to think that marriage is a happiness source. 
I mean in the fairy tale, after the main character held their wedding, it is said that they live happily ever after. 
But as soon as read marriage books, I knew that marriage not only contain happiness but also bring a lot of problems and i am not sure I can handle that.. .. 

I wonder will my marriage happy? will I find a good husband?

I am afraid I will have bad marriage like my parent.. I lose trust in marriage..

Unfortunately, Islam did not allow me not to get married (stay single forever)..

I read a hadith that saying that if i did not get marry, i will not be consider Rasulullah SAW’s followers

T.T

I do not want that to happened...

I love Rasullullah SAW (I am trying)... I will be devastating if in akhiraa, Rasullullah said I am not his followers..

At first, I said to myself that I have to get married because it sunnah and I will follow Rasulullah SAW..

In the process accepting that belief,

I read salim al filah’s poem  and it made realize how weak and lame I am..

SULIT, MUDAH , RIDHONYA

by Salim A. Fillah

Satu waktu, sudah lama sekali.

Seseorang berkata dengan wajah sendu.

“Alangkah beratnya… alangkah banyak rintangan… alangkah berbilang sandungan… alangkah rumitnya.”

Aku bertanya, “Lalu?”

Dia menatapku dalam-dalam, lalu menunduk.

“Apakah sebaiknya kuhentikan saja ikhtiar ini?”

“Hanya karena itu kau menyerah kawan?” aku bertanya meski tak begitu yakin apakah aku sanggup menghadapi selaksa badai ujian dalam ikhtiar seperti dialaminya.

“Yah, bagaimana lagi? Tidakkah semua hadangan ini pertanda bahwa Allah tak meridhainya?”

Aku membersamainya menghela napas panjang.

Lalu bertanya, “Andai Muhammad SAW berpikir sebagaimana engkau menalar, kan adakah Islam di muka bumi?”

“Maksudmu, akhi?” Ia terbelalak

“Ya, andai Muhammad SAW berpikir bahwa banyaknya kesulitan berarti tak

diridhai Allah, bukankah ia akan berhenti di awal-awal risalah?”

“Ada banyak titik sepertimu saat ini, saat Muhammad SAW bisa mempertimbangkan untuk menghentikan ikhtiar.

Mungkin saat dalam rukuknya ia dijerat di bagian leher.

Mungkin saat ia sujud lalu kepalanya disiram isi perut unta.

Mungkin saat ia bangkit dari duduk lalu dahinya disambar batu.

Mungkin saat ia dikatai gila, penyair, dukun, dan tukang sihir.

Mungkin saat ia dan keluarga diboikot total di syi’b Abi Thalib.

Mungkin saat ia saksikan sahabat-sahabatnya disiksa di depan mata.

Atau saat paman terkasih dan istri tersayang berpulang.

Atau justru saat dunia ditawarkan padanya ; tahta, harta, wanita…”

“Jika Muhammad SAW berpikir sebagaimana engkau menalar, tidakkah ia punya banyak saat untuk memilih berhenti?”

“Tapi Muhammad SAW tahu, kawan.

Ridha Allah tak terletak pada sulit atau mudahnya,

berat atau ringannya, bahagia atau deritanya,

senyum atau lukanya, tawa atau tangisnya..”

“ Ridha Allah terletak pada

Apakah kita mentaati-Nya

 dalam menghadapi semua itu?

Apakah kita berjalan dengan menjaga perintah dan larang-Nya

dalam semua keadaan dan ikhtiar yang kita lakukan? ”

“Maka selama di situ engkau berjalan,

bersemangatlah kawan…

I learn that I love myself too much and afraid I will get hurt so I choose to stay in the safe zone.. 
but being in the safe zone did not make me sad but did not make happy either...

I saw the old me in the picture and she smile brightly.. 
I have been through times when I did not have any single friend and it feels like the whole school hate me... 
There are may hard times but I survived and happy :D
 if you ask me, will i go back into past and change what i have been through?
 No i would not.. 
I have became the “now me” because I have been through those experiences and learning from that.. :D

I also try to made Rasullullah SAW as my role model.. 
he has been through hard times and he did not give up.. he is an orphan but he can be a good father and husband...
 yeah if Rasulullah SAW give up maybe i will never know islam :”)

There is also time when I wish my mom went back to past and marry another guy so she will be happy, I did not want to see she sad..
but she said that she did not regret her marriage.. because from her marriage, she got me, my brother and my sister :’)

Now my mom remarried again and she had another arranged marriage and she’s happy... :D

Alhamdulillah :D

The one who go through the hardest will be the one who smile the brightest (Bilqisthi, 2013)

 “How do I know when relationship is hard because it is wrong or because it is real?”

“You will never know, that is why marriage is commitment, not guarantee.”

-Meg Jay

Maybe my marriage will not fill with good time, but I will try to make it work and last..

From my parent’s marriage I learn that I have to make sure that my future husband share the same vision or same goal in marriage... we shared the same values...

I also learn that halal love is love after marriage.. so I did not have to be afraid whether I will be fall in love with my husband or not or will I have a good husband.. I should be more concern about whether I will be a good wife or not and put my trust in Allah.

I used to think love is emotion but now I agree with Fromm that

Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a "standing in," not a "falling for." In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.

I will love my future husband.. Insha Allah :D

I hope I will find a husband that loves Allah very much and our marriage will bring me closer to Allah... Amin...

I am still trying to love Allah and Rasulullah SAW yet I got much benefits from it..

I wonder what will happened if I am truly madly in love with Allah and Rasulullah SAW

:D

Dari Abu Hurairah RA disebutkan bahwa Rasulullah SAW bersabda, “Allah bersabda, ‘Aku menuruti prasangka hamba-Ku kepada-Ku. Aku bersamanya ketika ia mengingat-Ku. Kalau ia mengingat-Ku dalam hati, Aku mengingatnya dalam diri-Ku. Kalau ia mengingat-Ku di tengah kerumunan orang, Aku pun akan mengingatnya di tengah kerumunan yang lebih baik daripada mereka. Kalau ia mendekat diri kepada-Ku sejengkal, Aku pun mendekatkan Diri kepadanya sehasta. Kalau ia mendekatkan diri pada-Ku sehasta. Aku pun akan mendekatkan Diri padanya sedepa. Jika ia mendatangi-Ku dengan berjalan, Aku akan mendatanginya dengan berlari kecil”.

All courses are important

The conversation with my bestie , Hanata, last Friday, 13 September 2013, keep going in my head..

Hanata : “Han.. I am concern about you.. hari terakhir ngumpulin laporan magang dan loe belum selesai itu..”

Me : “Yah.. I know that.. I am dissapointed with myself as well.. Gue ngeduluin bab 1 skripsi, soalnya deadline hari ini juga.”

Hanata : “Tapi han, kalau loe ga lulus magang, loe bakal bisa lulus juga..”

It struck me then..

I forgot a fact that to be graduate I must pass all courses that I took on this term..

“Saya ngga setuju sama yang lulus 3,5 tahun itu karena biasanya mereka mengabaikan mata kuliah yang lagi diambil di semester tujuh, dikiranya kalau udah lulus sidang skripsi, mata kuliah lain otomatis lulus...”

I suddenly remember what my Academic Supervisor said when I first met her and told her that I want to graduate in three and half year..

“Mba, saya izin mau mengambil skripsi semester ini ya (semester tujuh)”

“Ya, ngga apa-apa tapi jangan sampai mata kuliah lainnya keteteran ya”

I am quite shock  when I heard her answer. I thought she would disagree with me..

And now..

I realized I forgot her message to me that I have to work hard to all my course, not only the undergraduate thesis...

I felt really sorry...

I hope I can revised my internship report

Or at least I pass internship..

Amin

I had to remind myself that all courses that I took in the last term are important..

 Semangat :D

Am I insecure?

I have just reread I've got your number by Sophie Kinsella

Sam puts his fork down. “You added kisses to an email of mine? A business email?” 

He looks almost more scandalized by this than by anything else

.“I didn’t mean to!” I say defensively. “They just slipped out. I always put kisses on emails. It’s friendly.”

“Oh. I see.” He raises his eyes to heaven. “You’re one of those ridiculous people.” 

It’s not ridiculous,” I retort. “It’s being nice.” 

“Let me see.” He reaches for the phone. 

“Stop it!” I say in horror. “What are you doing?” 

I make a swipe, but it’s too late. He’s got the phone and he’s scrolling through all the messages and emails. As he reads, he lifts an eyebrow, then frowns, then gives a sudden laugh. 

“What are you looking at?” I try to sound frosty. “You should respect my confidentiality.” 

He totally ignores me. Does he have no idea of privacy? What’s he reading, anyway? It could be anything.I take another sip of soup, but it’s so cold I can’t face any more. 

As I look up, Sam’s still reading my messages avidly. This is hideous. I feel like he’s rifling through my underwear drawer. 

“Now you know what it’s like, having someone else critiquing your emails,” he says, glancing up. 

“There’s nothing to critique,” I say, a little
haughtily. “Unlike you, I’m charming and polite and don’t brush people off with two words.” 

“You call it charming. I call it something else.” 

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. Of course he doesn’t want to admit I have superior communication skills. 

Sam reads another email, shaking his head, then looks up and surveys me silently.“What?” I say, nettled. “What is it?”“Are you so scared people will hate you?” 

“What?” I stare at him, not knowing how to react. “What are you talking about?” 

He gestures at the phone. “Your emails are like one big cry. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug, please like me, please like me!” 

“What?” I feel like he’s slapped me round the face. 

“That’s absolute … crap.” 

“Take this one: Hi, Sue! Can I possibly change my wedding updo consultation to a later time, like five p.m.? It’s with Louis. Let me know. But if not no worries. Thanks so much! I really appreciate it! Hope all is well. Love, Poppy xxxxxxxxxx  

Who’s Sue? Your oldest, dearest friend?” 

“She’s the receptionist at my hairdresser.” I glare at him. 

“So she gets thanks and appreciation and a zillion kisses, just for doing her job? 

“I’m being nice!” I snap. 

“It’s not being nice,” he says firmly, “it’s being ridiculous. It’s a business transaction. Be businesslike.” 

“I love my hairdresser!” I say furiously. I take a spoonful of soup, forgetting how revolting it is, and quell a shudder.
Sam’s still scrolling through my messages, as if he has every right to. I never should have let him get his hands on that phone. I should have wiped it myself. 

 Sam is gazing at me, shaking his head. “You are a big surprise, you know that? This is a big surprise.” 

He taps the phone.“What?”“You’re pretty insecure for someone who’s so feisty on the outside.” 

“I’m not!” I retort, rattled.“Not insecure? Or not feisty?”“I—” I’m too confused to answer. “I dunno. Stop it. Leave me alone.” 

 “When you read my texts, you saw a curt, miserable git. And you told me so. Maybe you’re right.” He pauses. “But you know what I saw when I read yours?” 

“No.” I scowl at him. “And I don’t want to know.” 

“I saw a girl who races to help others but doesn’t help herself. And right now you need to help yourself. No one should walk up the aisle feeling inferior or in a different league or trying to be something they’re not. I don’t know exactly who your issues are with”

When I read those part and relate to my everyday life.. I can see I am quite similar to Poppy (the main character).. I always end my email with emoticon and signature like this:

Love,

Qisthi

Hana Bilqisthi

I made these signature for personal use .. but I forgot that it is automatically set in my email.. so whenever I send an email (wheter it is personal or bussiness), it will end with “Love, Qisthi, Hana Bilqisthi”

I began to wonder... Does it mean I am insecure person?

Am I sending message to my friend that I am insecure and “please like me.. please like me”?

Do I want to please everyone else?

:/

I recalled I got 85 on communication component at my internship ( it is good actually but when I know your friend get 90,  I suddenly realized it means I worse than my friend or it is quite bad)..

I just realized I lack communication skill and I am quite rude..

I mean I sent text with wink emoticon [ ;) ] to my supervisor..

It happened because my phone is error and I cant pick smiley [ :) ] but I dont want my message only contains text, because I am afraid it will consider as rude... so I choose wink instead...

I completely forgot that wink is not a good idea..

I began to think.. think and think.. (or you could call it worry)

I do not want to be insecure person..

I decide to change my signature.. Now my email end up with “Best regrads instead of with love”

Does it enough? Is there anything that I should do?

hm...  I think I need to get another perspective..

so I asked my bestie Nia and Vania, to find out whether they see me as insecure person.

When I told them about that I end up with conclusion that I am insecure person and ask them what can I do to change it.

“No, Han. You're not. You're not somebody who did something to please somebody else .. you did something because you believe that is right thing to do” said Vania

Vania's answer reminds me of my IPIP NEO result that my score low on agreeableness..

Ah how could I forget about that! :D

Nia said “No, you are not. But you talk quite monotone and feels like you did not want to talk. It is boring. You should change that way you talk. And I hate when you said sorry for something that is not your fault. I do not know you are sorry but it made me (us) sorry (guilty) to you too”

I recalled last term I said sorry quite often.

“I really sorry because I felt I was taking too many extracurricular activities and I  quite often skip class and it kinda new for me. I feel I contribute less to our group task. I never skip class often before, so I am afraid you guys mad at me.” I explained

“No, Han. I believe everybody has their own way to do something.  For me as long as you did not talk bad, annoying, and disturb me, it does not matter to me.” Replied Vania

“Well, it is fine to me, too.” said Nia. “ And I think you should not think unnecessary thing.”

Whoaa... I am suprised :O

Alhamdulillah :D

I found more about me :D I am glad that I am not insecure person :D

Kinsella, S. (2012). I've got your number. USA: Dial press.