Not a parasite

I want to say sorry for the last posting entitled parasite, it probably wasn’t very nice because I whine the entire paragraph. By the way, thank you if you are reading it because it feels like someone want to listen to my problems. :)

Did you know that people who depressed always see bad thing as permanent, happen because internal factor, and that bad things will happen to other things (global). Well, lately that is how I see my world and that is explained why I have ever thought about suicide. Actually now I am learning to not see the world like that again. One of my homework is to ask to my close friend what good side of me so I learned to see myself not in negative way. It is quite helpful at first, but I find a way to counter what they said because deep down inside I did not believe that I worth enough to have someone to love me. 

 In counseling session I realized that my mom’s feedback to me is always huge impact to me because I am really close to her and trust her.  If you have a lot people whom you can trust, maybe you will have vary feedback and considered whether one of them is true. So I talk about it to my mom, I explained her words like “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” is made me stress. When I told her that, she said she said such words not to make me think that I was never become a good friend, but to make me change into a better person and more understand to other people around me. Hahaha how silly I was. I made wrong assumption. I should realized that my mom is not learn psychology so she does not that good feedback is the specific one.

My best friend Nia said “You are what you think”. Hahaha.. how could I forget about that? it is simple thing but I forgot about that. Did you know? a few days ago, I saw my chair mate in high school’s facebook update status “Allah mengikuti prasangka hamba-Nya.” Back in high school, it is one of my principal and I always said that sentences to her to made her feel confidence and now here I am forget that sentences. How did I change? From that confidence & optimist person into someone who spends their whole time with a nervous knot in their stomach. What on earth happened to me?  lost sight of who I was. I lost myself. Btw, thank you Nia for reminds me. I've found myself again :D

Here is  another good news: the camera was found! Yey! :D

I actually entrusted the camera to one of my cousin teh enung (her age is same as my mom’s age and her daughter is around my age) . I left the camera to her because I want to take picture with A hasbi then I went to dinner.  Hahaha.. how stupid I was to forget that.. teh enung just realized that I left the camera to her is the next day when she search her make up in her bag and she quite surprised to find out that the camera was in her bag :D  Alhamdulillah :D

Did you know? Last night (night when camera is gone), when I cry hard, my step father talk to my mom to stop being angry with me and then my mom kiss me and said that she’s sorry. she explained that what made her angry was not the wedding picture, rather picture about her duty in school. It made me surprised because we never had that kind discussion. I glad my mom re-married :D It changed my view about marriage especially second marriage. I mean in the text book they said that second marriage has more risk to divorce rather than the first one. 

Every time I saw  my mother and my father talk to each other , their talk end became fighting or is about telling order/command to each other. Sometimes my friend said to me “Hey Han, don’t you think that you can talk each other about your problem?”. well, that advice is quite hard for me to imagine or to do because what I have been seen is talk to each other will be end in fighting (quarrel).

One funny thing is when I was in high school; my teacher said that a good wife is the one who obey her husband. I suddenly screamed “No way” when I heard that. I quite embarrassed at that time and did not understand why I did that. But later, I realize that obey a husband is a concept that quite hard for me to grasp because I saw my mom and my dad always have different perspective, ex: my mom want to have one child, my dad want to have eleven children. In my mind, obeying a husband means obey someone who is really has different perspective with me and I do not think I can handle that. Hahaha it is silly. I should realize that I can look for someone who has same perspective and value with me as my husband so I will glad to obey him.

"If I’ve learned one lesson from all that’s happened to me,

 it’s that there is no such thing as the biggest mistake of your existence. 

There’s no such thing as ruining your life. 

Life’s a pretty resilient thing, it turns out" -Shopie Kinsella

Dreams in High School

What is your dream when you were in high school?

Weel, my dreams when I was in high school were:

1^st. I study psychology in University Of Indonesia

2^nd. I found girl best friend. I found friend who really understand me and I understand about her, we share secret to each other, friend who is make me comfortable to discuss everything (but do not like gossip), friend who always stay no matter what happens, likes although we are not in the same class anymore, and friend who feels like sister to me

3^rd. I found a guy who loves me and we share the same dream about marriage and life. In my last semester in university, he proposed me, he sing James Blunt-You're beautiful and then say “I love you, Hana. Will you marry me?” and I will say “Yes, I will.”

4^th I will became prof. Hana Bilqisthi

5^th. I write a novel

6^th  become one of the audience of Oprah Winfrey Show

7^th I will pay my parents to go to Meccah for Hajj

8^th Having an apartement and a house (a house who has six bedrooms, backyard/garden, a library like Sinichi Kudo, a mushala)

9^th become psychologist and open a clinic in Karawang

10^th I will have a lot money and buy gift to all my teacher in elementary, junior high school, and high school

11^th Made my parents proud of me, laugh with my brother and sister, stay connect with my big family

12^th Memorize the Quran

13^th being able to play guitar

14^th. being able to speak japanese

15^th Live Happily (ever after)

a Parasite

Urgh! I never have done anything right in my life. I hate myself! (۳ ˚Д˚)۳ Why am I always being a parasite?   (You may think I am exaggerated but I am feel sad and miserable right now so all I could remember is bad things that I have done).  I lost my family’s camera digital at my cousin’s engagement party.  \(˚O°")/ \("˚O°)/  On the scale of disasters, this is not huge. Not huge. One day I expect I’ll look back at this moment and laugh and think, Ha-ha, how silly I was to worry.  (*≧艸≦) I hope. (˘ʃƪ˘) 

I thought the camera digital was in my hand all the time and when the party was over, then my family got in the car, I checked camera digital case and nothing in there... ( ° ▿ °|||)  I only hold the case but the camera was gone. . I think I was “absent-minded”. My sister said I was the last one who held it, but I could not remember anything. Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||) All I could remember is the last time I use the camera is when I and my cousins took picture together ─ that is before we ate dinner, and then I did not recall anything happened after that. （−＿−；） “Should we go back and check?” I asked my mom and my stepfather. “No, we can call your cousins“. 

｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)  I tried to think every possibility where, when, and the camera gone. I hope one of my cousins still got it. Maybe it fell into hole in the sofa… maybe I put it when I am standing in the for eating and got a plate…. maybe.. The possibilities in my head are getting more and more far-fetched, but I can’t give up on them.  One of the worst moments is the fact that I could not do anything because I left my handphone at home, so my mom and my sister tried to call all my cousins to check whether one of them hold the camera digital. Unfortunately, none of them did. (⊙…⊙ ) Suddenly everyone in the car was panic. At first, we thought that it is left behind and one member of my family will take it and keep it. Besides, the engagement party is only for family; my cousin’s family (which include me) and his fiancée’s family (take place at his fiancée’s family). The fact that none of my cousins is holding the camer, made my hope shrinks. I felt so guilty. ＜(。_。)＞

My mom tried to call A Hasbi (my cousin who engage and still at party’s place) to asked him to check the all over the place. The camera has to be there, it has to be. It seemed I ran out my luck because he said he could not find them. When we heard that, my brother glared angrily at me. ( ಠ ಠ ) He said “Oh Please! Keep the stuff nicely!” I started to cry. Oh no! I do not want him to mad at me! My relationship with him is not in good term, he often angry with me and it is quite hard for me to fix it (it usually my false, but I always late to realize it because at first he did not say anything about being angry with me, my brother is the type who kept everything inside and then he blew it). Because it happened quite often, lately one of my small mistakes will make him angry.  And do you know what? Before we went to my cousin’s engagement’s party, my brother teased me when I forgot where I put my glasses. Me-who-always-forget-the-place-of-everything. It is perfect! (・－・)

I suddenly remember my mother harsh word when I was at high school “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” I also remember the fact that I could not do the housework, like cook and sweep the floor. I mean the one of the hadith said that “The best people are those who are the most useful to others”. And I could not remember when the last time I am useful to others or maybe I never have been useful to others. (╥﹏╥)  No! No! I should not let my negative thought control and fill my head. I had to fight it. In the counseling, you have promised , Hana. You have to fight back. Come on thinking nice things about you. (ง'̀⌣'́)ง But I can’t. (⌣_⌣") Suddenly negative memory, the sad one, the embarrassing one, they are keep coming like a flood; I was drawn and overwhelmed by them. (ʃ˘̩̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ)  I came to my mom but she said “There are many photos that have not been copied to computer yet, the wedding one. (My mother is newlywed. she married my stepfather on 11^th January this year, which less than a month ago) ” I tried to calm my mother “No, Mom! If it is your wedding, I have copied it. It is in my hard disk.” My step father said I should stop crying because it is fate/destiny that I lost the camera, but my mom said “No, let her cry. She should learn to keep stuff. She should learn. Yes, we can buy the camera again. But she is always messy. She should learn being responsible to take care things. She should learn from this"

See? I am parasite. I am not good child. I am not a good muslim either. My friend always said I am religious but I do not think so. Yes, I always try to pray shalat on time but last year I learned the fact that I did not read Quran right (makhrajal huruf?). Yet, I have not memorize all 30 juz of Quran. I do not think I am good child, friend, muslim, student. and neighbor And suddenly I started to think that there will not be a guy who want marry me. I am such a mess.