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Not a parasite

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I want to say sorry for the last posting entitled parasite, it probably wasn’t very nice because I whine the entire paragraph. By the way, thank you if you are reading it because it feels like someone want to listen to my problems. :)

Did you know that people who depressed always see bad thing as permanent, happen because internal factor, and that bad things will happen to other things (global). Well, lately that is how I see my world and that is explained why I have ever thought about suicide. Actually now I am learning to not see the world like that again. One of my homework is to ask to my close friend what good side of me so I learned to see myself not in negative way. It is quite helpful at first, but I find a way to counter what they said because deep down inside I did not believe that I worth enough to have someone to love me. 

 In counseling session I realized that my mom’s feedback to me is always huge impact to me because I am really close to her and trust her.  If you have a lot people whom you can trust, maybe you will have vary feedback and considered whether one of them is true. So I talk about it to my mom, I explained her words like “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” is made me stress. When I told her that, she said she said such words not to make me think that I was never become a good friend, but to make me change into a better person and more understand to other people around me. Hahaha how silly I was. I made wrong assumption. I should realized that my mom is not learn psychology so she does not that good feedback is the specific one.

My best friend Nia said “You are what you think”. Hahaha.. how could I forget about that? it is simple thing but I forgot about that. Did you know? a few days ago, I saw my chair mate in high school’s facebook update status “Allah mengikuti prasangka hamba-Nya.” Back in high school, it is one of my principal and I always said that sentences to her to made her feel confidence and now here I am forget that sentences. How did I change? From that confidence & optimist person into someone who spends their whole time with a nervous knot in their stomach. What on earth happened to me?  lost sight of who I was. I lost myself. Btw, thank you Nia for reminds me. I've found myself again :D

Here is  another good news: the camera was found! Yey! :D
I actually entrusted the camera to one of my cousin teh enung (her age is same as my mom’s age and her daughter is around my age) . I left the camera to her because I want to take picture with A hasbi then I went to dinner.  Hahaha.. how stupid I was to forget that.. teh enung just realized that I left the camera to her is the next day when she search her make up in her bag and she quite surprised to find out that the camera was in her bag :D  Alhamdulillah :D

Did you know? Last night (night when camera is gone), when I cry hard, my step father talk to my mom to stop being angry with me and then my mom kiss me and said that she’s sorry. she explained that what made her angry was not the wedding picture, rather picture about her duty in school. It made me surprised because we never had that kind discussion. I glad my mom re-married :D It changed my view about marriage especially second marriage. I mean in the text book they said that second marriage has more risk to divorce rather than the first one. 

Every time I saw  my mother and my father talk to each other , their talk end became fighting or is about telling order/command to each other. Sometimes my friend said to me “Hey Han, don’t you think that you can talk each other about your problem?”. well, that advice is quite hard for me to imagine or to do because what I have been seen is talk to each other will be end in fighting (quarrel).

One funny thing is when I was in high school; my teacher said that a good wife is the one who obey her husband. I suddenly screamed “No way” when I heard that. I quite embarrassed at that time and did not understand why I did that. But later, I realize that obey a husband is a concept that quite hard for me to grasp because I saw my mom and my dad always have different perspective, ex: my mom want to have one child, my dad want to have eleven children. In my mind, obeying a husband means obey someone who is really has different perspective with me and I do not think I can handle that. Hahaha it is silly. I should realize that I can look for someone who has same perspective and value with me as my husband so I will glad to obey him.

"If I’ve learned one lesson from all that’s happened to me,
 it’s that there is no such thing as the biggest mistake of your existence. 
There’s no such thing as ruining your life. 
Life’s a pretty resilient thing, it turns out" -Shopie Kinsella
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