a Parasite

Urgh! I never have done anything right in my life. I hate myself! (۳ ˚Д˚)۳ Why am I always being a parasite?   (You may think I am exaggerated but I am feel sad and miserable right now so all I could remember is bad things that I have done).  I lost my family’s camera digital at my cousin’s engagement party.  \(˚O°")/ \("˚O°)/  On the scale of disasters, this is not huge. Not huge. One day I expect I’ll look back at this moment and laugh and think, Ha-ha, how silly I was to worry.  (*≧艸≦) I hope. (˘ʃƪ˘) 

I thought the camera digital was in my hand all the time and when the party was over, then my family got in the car, I checked camera digital case and nothing in there... ( ° ▿ °|||)  I only hold the case but the camera was gone. . I think I was “absent-minded”. My sister said I was the last one who held it, but I could not remember anything. Σ(ﾟДﾟ|||) All I could remember is the last time I use the camera is when I and my cousins took picture together ─ that is before we ate dinner, and then I did not recall anything happened after that. （−＿−；） “Should we go back and check?” I asked my mom and my stepfather. “No, we can call your cousins“. 

｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)  I tried to think every possibility where, when, and the camera gone. I hope one of my cousins still got it. Maybe it fell into hole in the sofa… maybe I put it when I am standing in the for eating and got a plate…. maybe.. The possibilities in my head are getting more and more far-fetched, but I can’t give up on them.  One of the worst moments is the fact that I could not do anything because I left my handphone at home, so my mom and my sister tried to call all my cousins to check whether one of them hold the camera digital. Unfortunately, none of them did. (⊙…⊙ ) Suddenly everyone in the car was panic. At first, we thought that it is left behind and one member of my family will take it and keep it. Besides, the engagement party is only for family; my cousin’s family (which include me) and his fiancée’s family (take place at his fiancée’s family). The fact that none of my cousins is holding the camer, made my hope shrinks. I felt so guilty. ＜(。_。)＞

My mom tried to call A Hasbi (my cousin who engage and still at party’s place) to asked him to check the all over the place. The camera has to be there, it has to be. It seemed I ran out my luck because he said he could not find them. When we heard that, my brother glared angrily at me. ( ಠ ಠ ) He said “Oh Please! Keep the stuff nicely!” I started to cry. Oh no! I do not want him to mad at me! My relationship with him is not in good term, he often angry with me and it is quite hard for me to fix it (it usually my false, but I always late to realize it because at first he did not say anything about being angry with me, my brother is the type who kept everything inside and then he blew it). Because it happened quite often, lately one of my small mistakes will make him angry.  And do you know what? Before we went to my cousin’s engagement’s party, my brother teased me when I forgot where I put my glasses. Me-who-always-forget-the-place-of-everything. It is perfect! (・－・)

I suddenly remember my mother harsh word when I was at high school “No one wants to be your friend. If I were your friend, I do not want to be your friend.” I also remember the fact that I could not do the housework, like cook and sweep the floor. I mean the one of the hadith said that “The best people are those who are the most useful to others”. And I could not remember when the last time I am useful to others or maybe I never have been useful to others. (╥﹏╥)  No! No! I should not let my negative thought control and fill my head. I had to fight it. In the counseling, you have promised , Hana. You have to fight back. Come on thinking nice things about you. (ง'̀⌣'́)ง But I can’t. (⌣_⌣") Suddenly negative memory, the sad one, the embarrassing one, they are keep coming like a flood; I was drawn and overwhelmed by them. (ʃ˘̩̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ)  I came to my mom but she said “There are many photos that have not been copied to computer yet, the wedding one. (My mother is newlywed. she married my stepfather on 11^th January this year, which less than a month ago) ” I tried to calm my mother “No, Mom! If it is your wedding, I have copied it. It is in my hard disk.” My step father said I should stop crying because it is fate/destiny that I lost the camera, but my mom said “No, let her cry. She should learn to keep stuff. She should learn. Yes, we can buy the camera again. But she is always messy. She should learn being responsible to take care things. She should learn from this"

See? I am parasite. I am not good child. I am not a good muslim either. My friend always said I am religious but I do not think so. Yes, I always try to pray shalat on time but last year I learned the fact that I did not read Quran right (makhrajal huruf?). Yet, I have not memorize all 30 juz of Quran. I do not think I am good child, friend, muslim, student. and neighbor And suddenly I started to think that there will not be a guy who want marry me. I am such a mess.