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Before you marry: Questions to ask and answer


I found interesting book at faculty psychology of UI's library 
the title is "Before you marry: Question to ask and answer" By sylina M. Duvall (1964)
unfortunately, the page about book info such as the publisher is missing.. so I dont know and did not write the publisher info (if you know, please tell me in the comment below, I will edit it) ...

In every chapter I pick questions that I considered interesting :D so the number & sequence of questions are not exactly the same as you will read in the book.

Chapter 1 your chances for success in marriage
1.       Why do you want to marry?
Marrying just to get married? Marrying to get away from it all? Marrying on the rebound? Marrying because of family pressure? having your head turned by sex appeal (if sex appeal were the most important quality necessary for marriage success, Hollywood would be known for happy couples)? Marrying for “kicks” (catatan: orang yang menyenangkan buat berkencan belum tentu menyenagkan untuk diajak menikah)?
2.       What are the sound reasond for wanting to marry?
Security and social status? companionship and love? home and children?

Chapter 2 how do you know it’s love?
1.       What are dangers of idealizing a lover?
You may fail to see the real person. The most dangerous person to marry is your ideal-dangerous because you are likely to overlook the presence of disqualifying defects or the absence of characters essentials, you expose yourself to disillusionment, you may expect too much, you may ignore serious problem
2.       Why do you want to marry this person?
Be sure you love a person for what he is not for what you imagine him to be or want him to become
3.       How do you tell the difference between love and infatuation?
a.       Mature love of persons who have grown up
b.      In mature love, you love the other for what he is as a person, rather than merely for the fun you have together
c.       Mature love is outgoing and mutual, not selfish
d.      Mature love is not compulsive or absolutely necessary
e.      In mature love you will both want to leave each other free to develop, and to enjoy other interest and person
f.        Mature love can accept people as they really are
g.      Mature love can take ambivalence in its stride
h.         Mature love faces life squarely
i.        Mature love receives and is more likely to get the support of friends and parent
j.       Mature love last and grows

Chapter 4 marriage is real job. Can you handle it?
1.       Are you both old enough to marry?
2.       Could you meet physical demands of marriage?
3.       Are you really grown up?
4.       Could you, as a wife, manage household with reasonable efficiency?
5.       Would you be a good companion?
6.       Would you make a good parent?
7.       Can you earn a living?

Chapter 5 financing your marriage
1.       How much should you have before marriage? Consider cash, good, prospect
2.       What about a wife’s working?
3.       What adjustment does the outside employment of wife require? How much will the wife work after marriage? If she continues work full time, how will the household jobs be assigned?
4.       After you married, who gets how much, and by what plan?
a.       The dole system
b.      The family treasurer system
c.       The division of expenses system
d.      The rigid budget system
e.      The joint bank account system
5.       Have you considered each other’s spending preferences?
6.       What do you know about budgeting?
7.       Can you buy intelligently?
8.       What is your long-range housing programme? Should you rent or buy?
9.       What should you know about insurance?

10.   What are the best plans for saving and investment?
11.   Could you both live contentedly within the income you will pro chapter ly have?

Chapter 6 some character essential to check on
1.       Are you both acceptably honest?
2.       Would you acceptable neighbours and friends?
3.       Are you both basically good people?
4.       Are you willing to learn?
5.       Are you willing to accept competent help (marriage counsellor)?
6.       Are you willing to pat the cost of success?
7.       Do you have the will to succeed?

Chapter 7 personality and mental health
1.       Do you have good mental health?
2.       Are you both basically happy person?
3.       Are you both emotionally weaned from your parent?
4.       Do you sound attitudes toward your masculinity or femininity?
5.       Can you trust others intelligently?
6.       Do you trust yourself?
7.       Is your attitude toward life appreciative or demanding?
8.       Can you accept each other as you are?

Chapter 8 who is right for you

1.       Do opposite attract?
People attract not so much because they are opposite, as because they supplement what is lacking and needed in the other
2.       On what basis shall you choose your marriage partner?
a.You tend “fall in love” with  the apparently available person whom you can feel (rather than think) will enable you to play the role in marriage that you want to play
b. falling in love is the response you make to a person who seems to have what you feel you need, and who seems to need what you can and very much want to give
3.       How well do you know each other?
One best ways to get to know a person is to see him under pressure
4.       What is importance for you in marriage?
 Economic security? Children? Home? social activity?social ambitions? Interest and activities?
5.       How adjustable you are?
6.       Who will be the boss, and why?
a.       You can approach by defining area of control
b.      The amount & area of control that each of you expect will depend partly upon the way it was in the family in which you grew up
c.       Usually those who care the most and fight the hardest, exercise the most control.
d.      The stronger and abler tend to take over and run things
7.       How much you can change a person after marriage?
a.       The desire to change another sometimes indicates something wrong with you rather than with your mate.
b.      The desire for change may actually not be for better

Chapter 9 mixing marriages
1.       How close in age you should be?
2.       What difference will education make? Is it safe for a wife to be smarter than her husband?
3.       Are you from the same racial group?
4.       Does social class make a difference?
5.       What adjustment inter cultural marriage require?

Chapter 10 the family you marry
1.       Why are family relationships so important?
2.       Were your parent happily married? Was your childhood happy?
3.       What were your relationships with your parents?
4.       How well do you know your prospective mate’s family? What should you look for?
5.       If you don’t like what you found in family, what then? The paramount question is not the family like, but how it has influenced the one you are interested in marrying
6.       Do both families approve the marriage? If not, who disapproves, and why?

Chapter 11 emergencies and crises
1.       How you handle infidelity?
2.       What if, after marriage, you find yourself in love with someone else?
3.       What if, after marriage, you find that you no longer love each other?
4.       Could you adjust to financial reverses?
5.       Could you adjust to serious injury or prolonged illness?
6.       How you handle the crisis of death?

Chapter 12 what can bind your marriage together?
1.       Do you both have mutual and individual interest?
2.       Will your interest and activities bring you together or pull you apart?
3.       How important is companionship?
4.       How do you feel about children?
5.       Do you both want essentially the same things out of life?
6.       Do you help larger purpose that help tie your marriage together?
7.       What is marriage for? 

Note: Tulisan tentang buku sekarang pindah ke blog Hana Book Review (

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