Love, when 2x0 = Happiness

Getting zero twice in journal discussion of social psychology research’s course and heard the news that the man that I love is going to marry soon (not with me, of course).

What do you think my feeling?

Sad?

Depressed?

Well,  I survived :D

I think because I learn to love Allah

Loving Allah made me believe that He always gives best to His servant ..

so it is easier to accept those conditions...

I mean I believe the old Hana maybe choose or think to suicide ..

But “The now Hana” did not think like that :D I glad I am mature :D Alhamdulillah :D

The saddest thing is the fact that I late to realize that loving Allah is great thing and the best experience ever :D

I wish i realize it sooner

All about human being is about love. Love is the master of motivation. Even fear and hatred are born of love. We obey to what we love and we are dictated by what we love. We become slave for whatever we love. Then we should very to be careful…

(Yasmid Mogahed)

When I got zero, I think that maybe Allah wants me to learn and work hard..

In my first journal discussion in social psychology research’s course, I think I did not try hard enough.. I am quite afraid to talk because I am afraid  I am wrong.. when I got chance to talk, I did not try hard enough to make the lecturer stay focus to me..

There is possibility that I will be lazy or  arrogant if I got score...

In the second chance, I tried to talk a lot but i focus on quantity not quality, and maybe I hope that I got grade by pity.. It did not good..

When I talk to my classmate, Iqbal, He said that social psychology research’s course teach to to have tactical thinking because when your answer did not right, you have to think better and effective alternative answers  as soon as possible .

Yeah... I think he got a point..  I always think that I need time to think carefully to answer something and it made slow to adapt in this class.. I have to learn think fast and effective (tactical thinking) so I will not left behind...

Wish me luck guys :D

Another interesting thing that I got from this class is reading journal’s tips from one of my lecturer, Mba Erita. She said when reading journal, try to pretend that the author is our ex lover so we will remember his/her/their name and what they really said :D

About man that I love, when I heard the news I just thought “Ah... so he is not the one for me”

Then I made list what will happen if I marry him and what will not happe if I marry him..

I just realized that my friends and my family knew that I love him (one side love) and if I marry him, they maybe think that my marriage is love-marriage, not arranged marriage (ta’aruf). I mean I always said that I did not want date before marriage and maybe if i marry him, it will be harder to me to influence my family that better not to date before marriage..

I also knew that some of my friends worry about me when I said that I want to have arranged marriage (ta’aruf). I said to them to relax and not to worry. I said that my mom is also had arranged marriage (ta’aruf).

But they said that they worry because they knew my parent’s marriage. 

Well, my mom had an arranged marriage (ta’aruf) and she divorced with my father. First time when I knew that they were going to separate, I asked myself “what is the reason that this marriage fail? Is it because they had arranged marriage (ta’aruf) so they did not love each other at first place? Or is it because something else?”

After that, I try to find out what make marriage works and failed by reading a lot book about marriage. There is a time when i am afraid and did not want to marry...I used to think that marriage is a happiness source. 
I mean in the fairy tale, after the main character held their wedding, it is said that they live happily ever after. 
But as soon as read marriage books, I knew that marriage not only contain happiness but also bring a lot of problems and i am not sure I can handle that.. .. 

I wonder will my marriage happy? will I find a good husband?

I am afraid I will have bad marriage like my parent.. I lose trust in marriage..

Unfortunately, Islam did not allow me not to get married (stay single forever)..

I read a hadith that saying that if i did not get marry, i will not be consider Rasulullah SAW’s followers

T.T

I do not want that to happened...

I love Rasullullah SAW (I am trying)... I will be devastating if in akhiraa, Rasullullah said I am not his followers..

At first, I said to myself that I have to get married because it sunnah and I will follow Rasulullah SAW..

In the process accepting that belief,

I read salim al filah’s poem  and it made realize how weak and lame I am..

SULIT, MUDAH , RIDHONYA

by Salim A. Fillah

Satu waktu, sudah lama sekali.

Seseorang berkata dengan wajah sendu.

“Alangkah beratnya… alangkah banyak rintangan… alangkah berbilang sandungan… alangkah rumitnya.”

Aku bertanya, “Lalu?”

Dia menatapku dalam-dalam, lalu menunduk.

“Apakah sebaiknya kuhentikan saja ikhtiar ini?”

“Hanya karena itu kau menyerah kawan?” aku bertanya meski tak begitu yakin apakah aku sanggup menghadapi selaksa badai ujian dalam ikhtiar seperti dialaminya.

“Yah, bagaimana lagi? Tidakkah semua hadangan ini pertanda bahwa Allah tak meridhainya?”

Aku membersamainya menghela napas panjang.

Lalu bertanya, “Andai Muhammad SAW berpikir sebagaimana engkau menalar, kan adakah Islam di muka bumi?”

“Maksudmu, akhi?” Ia terbelalak

“Ya, andai Muhammad SAW berpikir bahwa banyaknya kesulitan berarti tak

diridhai Allah, bukankah ia akan berhenti di awal-awal risalah?”

“Ada banyak titik sepertimu saat ini, saat Muhammad SAW bisa mempertimbangkan untuk menghentikan ikhtiar.

Mungkin saat dalam rukuknya ia dijerat di bagian leher.

Mungkin saat ia sujud lalu kepalanya disiram isi perut unta.

Mungkin saat ia bangkit dari duduk lalu dahinya disambar batu.

Mungkin saat ia dikatai gila, penyair, dukun, dan tukang sihir.

Mungkin saat ia dan keluarga diboikot total di syi’b Abi Thalib.

Mungkin saat ia saksikan sahabat-sahabatnya disiksa di depan mata.

Atau saat paman terkasih dan istri tersayang berpulang.

Atau justru saat dunia ditawarkan padanya ; tahta, harta, wanita…”

“Jika Muhammad SAW berpikir sebagaimana engkau menalar, tidakkah ia punya banyak saat untuk memilih berhenti?”

“Tapi Muhammad SAW tahu, kawan.

Ridha Allah tak terletak pada sulit atau mudahnya,

berat atau ringannya, bahagia atau deritanya,

senyum atau lukanya, tawa atau tangisnya..”

“ Ridha Allah terletak pada

Apakah kita mentaati-Nya

 dalam menghadapi semua itu?

Apakah kita berjalan dengan menjaga perintah dan larang-Nya

dalam semua keadaan dan ikhtiar yang kita lakukan? ”

“Maka selama di situ engkau berjalan,

bersemangatlah kawan…

I learn that I love myself too much and afraid I will get hurt so I choose to stay in the safe zone.. 
but being in the safe zone did not make me sad but did not make happy either...

I saw the old me in the picture and she smile brightly.. 
I have been through times when I did not have any single friend and it feels like the whole school hate me... 
There are may hard times but I survived and happy :D
 if you ask me, will i go back into past and change what i have been through?
 No i would not.. 
I have became the “now me” because I have been through those experiences and learning from that.. :D

I also try to made Rasullullah SAW as my role model.. 
he has been through hard times and he did not give up.. he is an orphan but he can be a good father and husband...
 yeah if Rasulullah SAW give up maybe i will never know islam :”)

There is also time when I wish my mom went back to past and marry another guy so she will be happy, I did not want to see she sad..
but she said that she did not regret her marriage.. because from her marriage, she got me, my brother and my sister :’)

Now my mom remarried again and she had another arranged marriage and she’s happy... :D

Alhamdulillah :D

The one who go through the hardest will be the one who smile the brightest (Bilqisthi, 2013)

 “How do I know when relationship is hard because it is wrong or because it is real?”

“You will never know, that is why marriage is commitment, not guarantee.”

-Meg Jay

Maybe my marriage will not fill with good time, but I will try to make it work and last..

From my parent’s marriage I learn that I have to make sure that my future husband share the same vision or same goal in marriage... we shared the same values...

I also learn that halal love is love after marriage.. so I did not have to be afraid whether I will be fall in love with my husband or not or will I have a good husband.. I should be more concern about whether I will be a good wife or not and put my trust in Allah.

I used to think love is emotion but now I agree with Fromm that

Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a "standing in," not a "falling for." In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.

I will love my future husband.. Insha Allah :D

I hope I will find a husband that loves Allah very much and our marriage will bring me closer to Allah... Amin...

I am still trying to love Allah and Rasulullah SAW yet I got much benefits from it..

I wonder what will happened if I am truly madly in love with Allah and Rasulullah SAW

:D

Dari Abu Hurairah RA disebutkan bahwa Rasulullah SAW bersabda, “Allah bersabda, ‘Aku menuruti prasangka hamba-Ku kepada-Ku. Aku bersamanya ketika ia mengingat-Ku. Kalau ia mengingat-Ku dalam hati, Aku mengingatnya dalam diri-Ku. Kalau ia mengingat-Ku di tengah kerumunan orang, Aku pun akan mengingatnya di tengah kerumunan yang lebih baik daripada mereka. Kalau ia mendekat diri kepada-Ku sejengkal, Aku pun mendekatkan Diri kepadanya sehasta. Kalau ia mendekatkan diri pada-Ku sehasta. Aku pun akan mendekatkan Diri padanya sedepa. Jika ia mendatangi-Ku dengan berjalan, Aku akan mendatanginya dengan berlari kecil”.